I Hate Everyone But You Page 10
Since offering Shannon the sage advice of giving up her political career so I can advance mine, she seems to think we are friends. I spent the last hour listening to her dissect her relationship with Baseball Mike, even though it appears to have ended weeks ago, and also was never a relationship.
I began asking questions about her life, out of morbid curiosity instead of genuine concern, and learned that her family is even stranger than she is! Her dad “works for the government” but won’t tell anyone how, and her mom is clearly in love with her female best friend. They go on “girl trips” half the year. Her younger brother is some sort of savant and has already graduated college, yet he works in a Starbucks???? Who are these people?! I think her entire family is lying to her about everything and she has no idea. At least I am well aware that my father is an alcoholic and my mother is a classic enabler. They still lie to me all the time, but I know better than to trust them!
Did I tell you my mom suddenly called me four times the other day? Like she randomly remembered she has an adult daughter? When I finally called back, she was reabsorbed in her second “miracle” child. Apparently Hope is flourishing in kindergarten and learned to express herself through finger paint? How can I listen to this sort of information with a straight face, knowing that my form of entertainment as a small kid was drawing on the wall with poop because no one was watching me?
ANYWAY …
Back to my case study: Shannon thinks Baseball Mike simply has intimacy issues and once he explores himself with (a bunch of) other girls, he will realize that they belong together. This journey of self-discovery includes hooking up with Shannon’s lifelong friend, Kelly, who goes to BU and met Mike THROUGH Shannon. Shannon isn’t mad, though, because she purposely stole Kelly’s boyfriend in 10th grade and karma is real. According to her savant brother. I’m a bit pissed I’ve wasted $7.99 on a Hulu subscription when I could have just been watching this strange creature in her natural habitat.
PEACE & MONKEYS,
Gen Goodall
P.S. I don’t actually pay for Hulu. I use your account so please don’t change the password.
P.P.S. When are we upgrading to no commercials?
Re: SHANNON (A CHARACTER STUDY)
* * *
Ava Helmer
to Gen
My big takeaway from this is that your mom sucks. I hope I’m allowed to say that.
Re: SHANNON (A CHARACTER STUDY)
* * *
Gen Goldman
to Ava
Hahahaha, you are! But only because you’re a survivor of that one awful trip to Disneyland.
RIP ICE CREAM MICKEY.
2:03 PM PST
You’re not going to ask what happened??
I did ask what happened!
No. You gave a eulogy for an ice cream cone.
We have an open door policy. I don’t have to ask. You can just tell.
No, because then I think you don’t care, and I don’t like to tell people things they don’t care about.
That’s one of the rules I learned in social skills class.
I CARE!
Not enough to ask.
Ava, will you please tell me every minute detail of your evening? Starting from sunset onward?
No. I’m busy.
You are more work than any of the girls I’m actually hooking up with!
Awwww. I love you too.
MINUTIAE
* * *
Ava Helmer
to Gen
SO! I arrived at Jake’s a few hours after sunset but I assume you were being sarcastic about that being your preferred starting time. (I did have a disgusting dinner, though. Remind me that I hate beets.)
When I got to Jake’s room, his roommate, Tyler, was there smoking REEFER. He offered me some, but I declined since I wanted my wits about me. (And part of me is afraid that I will like weed so much I will become a big-time stoner and throw my life away.)
We all sat and chatted for a bit. Apparently Tyler is big on Instagram? Seems weird since he is VERY boring in person. He showed me a video of him skateboarding UP a ramp. It had one million views. I can only hope it’s just his supportive mother watching it over and over again.
After a while, Jake told Tyler with his eyes to scram. I thought “talk about the script” meant “make out,” but he actually had a lot of notes? He thinks his character comes off as gay because he doesn’t want to have sex with Sophia. I tried to explain their lack of physical chemistry and the notion of a heightened reality, but he fought me pretty hard. He said I have a hard time writing male characters since I don’t understand how much sex drives the male psyche.
That’s when the night sort of took a turn because:
1) I was super offended that he thinks I don’t know how to write believable male characters.
2) I became paranoid that all he thinks about is sex and the only reason he talks to me is sex, and I am not ready to have sex, so he will stop talking to me.
I had no choice but to ask him if he was speaking from personal experience:
JAKE: Of course.
AVA: Are you thinking about sex right now?
JAKE: Yeah. Are you?
AVA: Only because you brought it up! Have you … had it before?
JAKE (laughs): Yeah.
LONG BEAT
AVA: I have not.
JAKE: I figured.
And this is where I start to spiral. What about me screams virgin? Is it my hair? My clothes? My inability to talk about the act of sex without sounding like an alien attempting to mimic human behavior? OR! Even worse. What if it’s my hand job giving? At this point I’m completely mortified when he says—
JAKE: You seem too busy.
WHAT?! I seem too busy?? I am painfully bored 1/3 of my life. And that includes the 1/3 I spend sleeping. What would give this person the impression that I am TOO BUSY to have intercourse? How long does it take???
AVA: What would give you that impression?
JAKE: I don’t know. You seem like a serious person who is busy doing serious things. Even you in this house right now. Seems wrong.
HOW CAN HE PEER INTO MY SOUL AND SEE MY DEEPEST FEARS??? Why am I unable to hide behind liquid eyeliner like everyone else???
AVA: I don’t think I’m too serious. Was it not clear that this was a comedy script?
JAKE (laughs again): I don’t mean you aren’t funny. You just have a serious personality. Like an adult who is stuck going to college.
AVA: Is that bad?
JAKE: No! I like it. I’m also really mature for my age.
Then we started to kiss because I didn’t know how to respond to that. TBH, I don’t find him particularly mature … Anyway, our tongues started slapping and he tried to take my shirt off but I stopped him.
AVA: What does sex mean to you?
JAKE: In three words?
(adorable slap that only slightly misses its mark)
JAKE: I don’t know. It depends on the person I am doing it with.
AVA: What would it mean if you did it with me?
JAKE: I think I would probably have to try it first to know.
(another slap, not as adorable, much harder)
AVA: I don’t really want to do that if I don’t know what this is.
(lots of vague/crude hand gestures)
JAKE: DTR?
That’s not me abbreviating it. He said that out loud, nonironically, which honestly made the entire situation a lot less high-risk for me. I nodded, and then we had a confusing conversation that I wish I could relay word for word but unfortunately I was scrambling to keep up in the moment. I think the takeaway was that he is open to being in a relationship but doesn’t think we are there yet? But if I don’t want to have sex unless we are in a relationship, we can just hang out and not have sex.
How does this sound to an outside observer? To me it seems reas
onable if not disappointing. He’s not pressuring me and he’s also right. We don’t really know each other that well. There is no rush to be “boyfriend/girlfriend” and then regret it.
I think I agreed with him, and then he went down on me! It was … itchy?? Starting to think my body might be broken …
Send help and wisdom!
A
Re: MINUTIAE
* * *
Gen Goldman
to Ava
Starting to think this guy is either super evolved or heavily manipulative. The comment about you not knowing how to write male characters pushes him over into manipulative town.
Please tell me that you are not going to change the script to accommodate his weak male ego. You are the writer. You have the vision. And everyone’s sex drive is different. (Maybe his character is gay! Or a gray asexual! That’s for you to decide.)
Here is a question: Why do you even want this guy to be your boyfriend? Is it just to have sex? Or do you really like him? Chinatownjake98?
Re: MINUTIAE
* * *
Ava Helmer
to Gen
Those are some very good questions. And my answer is that I have no idea. How does anyone know why they are dating someone? I’m 18. I barely have a grasp on familial love. Most of my feelings and actions are completely hormonal (or chemical).
I do know that I want to have a boyfriend. I have always wanted that. Probably a bit too much, which is why none of them have wanted me. (If desperation was a cologne, I sprayed too much of it all of middle school.) The only thing that made me look incrementally cool in high school was being friends with you, something all of your other cool friends are still trying to figure out.
So now I suddenly have this guy open to the idea of dating me and I don’t want to mess it up. Will I marry Jake? No. Probably not. But I’m not just walking around accidentally bumping into love interests like you are. (Oops! There’s another one! Whoops! Three-way collision.) I feel like I can’t risk throwing this person away because he is not perfectly synced up to my time line.
I want to talk about it with my therapist, but I’m sure she will somehow turn the whole thing into my fault. Does that sound defensive? Because I’m definitely not defensive ;)
5:13 PM EST
HOLD UP!
What??
How did we not talk about the other thing?
What other thing?
Gen! Gross!
I’m in class. I can’t talk about this.
You’re always “in class.”
OPEN YOUR MIND.
TOUCH YOURSELF.
Airplane mode.
MENAGE & NOSH
* * *
Gen Goldman
to Ava
At approximately 7:55 PM, I was returning to my dorm to continue my study of Strange Shannon in the wild, when Charlotte called me. Yes, she called because she is an adult and I am a child who hit Ignore by accident. I texted her back because, despite all my talk, I am weak and afraid. She wrote back and invited me over to her apartment to watch a movie.
In case you suffered severe memory loss, this is the universal signal for “hook up” (i.e., Netflix and Chill). So I hopped on the train, gulped down a couple Orbit mints, and headed over, thinking I would find her scantily clad in a nonappropriated kimono.
Instead, I found her completely clothed and standing next to her nerdy friend, Tom. Tom is a TA in Dramaturgy because he tried to be a theater actor and failed. Tom is also super cute. I immediately liked Tom.
Charlotte invites me in, sneezing in the process. She’s sick and wants company so if she dies, someone will call her parents and yell at them for not being more supportive. I’m a bit confused about my presence, until I realize she must have called everyone in the first few scrolls of her contacts. I try not to take it personally and instead enjoy a delicious slice of pecan pie that Tom BAKED. Have I mentioned that I like Tom?
About an hour goes by of us talking and not deciding what to watch when Charlotte announces she needs to take a nap. It’s around 9:30. Seems like that’s just going to bed early, but who am I to say? She tells me and Tom not to leave, because she has snacks and doesn’t want to wake up to an empty house. (She is still under the impression that she is taking a nap.)
We shrug and turn on a movie, perfectly comfortable with this idea. Charlotte has a way of normalizing any and all behavior. As soon as she leaves the room, Tom asks if I want a blanket. You know me. My body radiates heat, but it seemed rude to say no. Also I wanted to see what it would feel like for a grown man I am not related to to put a blanket on me. The answer: sexy.
Suddenly, I find myself cuddling with a male stranger in my female lover’s living room. I ask Tom how long he’s known Charlotte, and he replies, “A long time.” I ask him how well he knows her, and he replies, “Not as well as you.” I must have blushed because he assured me that I wasn’t giving it away. I’m just so clearly Charlotte’s type. He knows because they have the same type.
YEP! THAT’S WHAT HE SAID! TALK ABOUT A LINE! THAT WORKED!
We made out for about forever. All clothes were kept on in an attempt at decency. We could hear Charlotte snoring from the next room …
Sometime around 2 AM, Tom untangled himself from me and the blanket and announced that he was escorting me home. I assumed that meant he was inviting himself over into my twin bed, but he really meant that he was just escorting me home. As soon as I tried to explain to him the best way to sneak into my room without awakening the beast, he laughed and kissed me goodbye. He then announced he would get my info from Charlotte, which seems weird but convenient.
Anyway. That was my night. He looks like a male Ellen Page to give you some visuals.
Also, I am currently obsessed with this song: “Just 2 Guyz.”
I’m Guy #1
Re: MENAGE & NOSH
* * *
Ava Helmer
to Gen
OK. I am confused. You like guys again?? Or is this an anomaly? Maybe you just like forbidden authority types. That would make sense considering your gross flirtation with Security Officer Peters.
Do you still like Charlotte? She seems a bit crazy. Who throws a party so she doesn’t have to be alone when she’s sick??
I’m confused. But I guess I’m always confused.
Please don’t yell at me.
A
Re: MENAGE & NOSH
* * *
Gen Goldman
to Ava
Hahaha. I never stopped liking guys. I’m just 90–10 at this point. And he has a very feminine energy.
Re: MENAGE & NOSH
* * *
Ava Helmer
to Gen
OK. Cool.
I WANT TO BE GUY #1!
7:57 PM EST
I can see Kent’s belly button.
Who is Kent?
Oh, sry. Kent, my editor.
Why can you see his belly button? Is he not wearing a shirt?
There is a shirt. It is too small.
On purpose?
Unclear.
Keep me updated.
I think I spotted a small piece of lint.
Unsubscribe from all updates.
THE EGO AND THE ID
* * *
Ava Helmer
to Gen
I think Dr. Lily might be clinically insane. How can I tell my therapist she needs a therapist? She probably already has one who is equally useless.
After my session, I looked up sadistic tendencies. They include deriving pleasure from inflicting pain, suffering, or humiliation on others. This seems about right!
I can’t tell if Dr. Lily is intentionally trying to drive me crazy, or if she has no idea what she is doing and therefore relies solely on
condescending looks and low murmurs of disapproval.
I went in ready to discuss my relationship with Jake, and she immediately started asking me questions about my family. My family is not the problem. My family is the only reason I am still alive.
Instead of spending the forty minutes creating a strategy to move forward, Dr. Lily wanted to know if my father put unnecessary pressure on me to succeed.
SERIOUSLY? Is this your first day?
I kept trying to steer the conversation back to my actual dilemma (what I should do about this person who wants to hook up but not commit), but she kept attaching merit to the fact that my dad gave away our dog. I only mentioned this as the ONE TIME my father disappointed me, and she latched on to it with an iron fist. Honestly, it seems like she probably has daddy issues.
With ten minutes left, I (loudly) announced that I need to talk about Jake because I can’t go another week without coping strategies for this uncertainty. Gray areas make me nauseous. Anyone who listens to me for more than five minutes knows that.
Instead of listening to my needs, she insisted that I was avoiding talking about my family. What is there to avoid? The fact that for 18 years my parents have been my best friends (current company aside), and all of my problems come from other external circumstances as well as a chemical imbalance in my brain?
I have been in therapy four times longer than you’ve even been a therapist, Lily! When your patient is begging for help, help her!
So what did she do?
Asked me another question about the dumb dog. (May she rest in peace with that terrible family in Riverside.) So I left. Yep. With eight minutes left, I stormed out and gently screamed that I would not be returning. I can’t go back to her. She is making it all worse. I need to call my mom and figure something else out. I need to see an actual doctor and not someone who is barely old enough to drink.
I hate this person, Gen. I literally hate her and can feel the rage surging through my body. I hope she gets fired and has her mouth sewn shut. I’m not even back at my dorm yet while I’m typing this and it’s so obvious that I’ve been crying. Thank god for university anonymity. Could not have survived a small school.