I Hate Everyone But You Page 11
Oh, fuck, here comes one of my “sisters.” I hate my life.
Re: THE EGO AND THE ID
* * *
Gen Goldman
to Ava
Are you OK? I just tried to call you a couple times but you didn’t answer. Maybe you’re talking to your mom.
I’m so sorry, babe. I wish I was there so I could beat the doctor’s ass and take away all her (loose) credentials. Can you ask for another doctor on campus? Or is it better to just see someone off campus? Either way, I think you should get all of your money back AND they should pay you for emotional damages.
Have you thought about going back on meds to help with the anxiety? I know you hate them, but maybe a low dose of a different kind? Or maybe, bear with me, weed? Seriously. Go get a card and try a little indica? It’s not even illegal anymore!
And when it comes to Jake, if the gray area is driving you crazy, you don’t have to stay there. Tell him to shit or get off the pot. It’s first semester, freshman year. There are plenty of other mediocre men out there to torment you.
LOVE YOU! GET SOME ICE CREAM!
G
6:43 PM PST
Hey. Sorry I missed your calls. Was talking to my mom.
It’s OK! What she say?
That I can find someone else. It’s too late to get a car for this semester. All the parking passes are taken, but my mom said she would drive me.
That’s nice. Are you going to go back to your old one?
No. Tina, the girl I ran into when I was crying, suggested someone closer.
GASP! A sorority girl doesn’t have a perfect life!
Alert the media!
Stop. She was nice.
And I’m not in one of the cool sororities where everyone has a perfect life.
Those houses dropped me, remember?
Ah, yes. PIE IN UR FACE HOUSE. How could I forget. They r on my hit list.
Right after Dr. Lily.
I appreciate it.
I feel a bit dumb that my mom is going to come pick me up from college once a week.
Don’t feel dumb! That’s a #diva lifestyle. OWN IT.
OY.
WOODWARD & BERNSTEIN
* * *
Gen Goldman
to Ava
In the continuing saga that is the Berkeley Beacon, Alex and I just got paired up for an investigative article about Emerson’s tightening security. Rumor has it the president is taking meetings with various security companies to come up with a plan intended to limit shootings and stuff.
Pretty soon we’ll all be asked to walk naked through a metal detector in order to get to class. I plan to peacefully abstain. And then maybe drop out.
I have no idea why we’re being teamed up for this. My only guess is an insatiable need for office drama? Kent, my editor, insists we need to work together to remain objective since I am anti-police state and Alex is an idiot.
That might be a little harsh. He’s a Boston native and I guess the bombing really shook up his whole family. He thinks it’s fine to give up all rights and privacy if it will save ONE life. I couldn’t disagree more. What’s the point of living if you don’t have any rights or privacy?? How can he not see that, especially when he’s trans? Has he never interacted with the TSA?
The worst part of the whole thing was that he acted excited to work with me. Like it isn’t obvious to everyone that he hates my guts. So then I seemed like an asshole when I immediately fought Kent, my editor, and tried to get the assignment myself. Everyone looked at me like I was petty, but I really think two reporters will just slow down the story and students have a right to know about all this before they wake up to drug dogs in their underwear drawer.
Kent, my editor, shot down my attempt at flying solo and encouraged us to think of each other as colleagues and not competitors. BARF. After the meeting, Alex wanted to hang out to strategize, but I told him I had an early class. We’re meeting up later today. I need time to figure out how to play this. Maybe I’ll give him back what’s he’s giving me: condescending aloofness.
I just hope my name comes first in the byline.
KIDDING. It’s alphabetical. I’m fucked.
Re: WOODWARD & BERNSTEIN
* * *
Ava Helmer
to Gen
Yikes. Not the best situation. My only advice is kill ’em with kindness. Maybe this is a test and Kent wants to see how you work with unreasonable people? Make him the difficult one. Just do your job the best that you can and compliment his shoes or something. I always compliment people I can’t stand. It throws them off and makes me feel like a better person despite the hate and judgment in my heart.
You can get through this. You will get through this.
What is his Instagram handle so I can hate follow?
Re: WOODWARD & BERNSTEIN
* * *
Gen Goldman
to Ava
@CassidyKid. But it’s private because he is the worst.
9:21 PM PST
I did a bad thing.
How bad? White girl cornrow bad? Or Scientology bad?
Too bad to make a joke!
I ruined all the stuff.
Are you in jail?
No!
Then it’s not that bad.
Can you talk?
Not really. I’m at this dumb party and I can’t hear anything.
OK.
Will call in morning.
SIGNING OFF
* * *
Ava Helmer
to Gen
I know you are out having the time of your life, but I need to ask you a serious question. Have I always been the dumbest person you know? Or did I hide my stupidity with misleading data like a high SAT score and expensive clothes? I feel like the world’s biggest moron and, as such, I am also the last to know (that I am the world’s biggest moron).
Last night I started freaking out about the whole Jake thing. We are shooting the short next weekend, and I felt like I needed to have a better handle on our relationship before working together in front of a group that includes my parents. We already had plans to hang out tomorrow night, but I couldn’t wait that long for clarity so I texted him. Seven times. Turns out, not a lucky number when you are a girl with zero fucking chill. He finally responded that he was just getting out of a late class. I told him to come over because Jessica was out, which MIGHT have given the wrong impression. He arrived five minutes later and I was crying.
Yep. I was crying. So Jake, being a normal, chill person, assumed something was really wrong. Like a death in the family. Or a plagiarism accusation (apparently USC is really cracking down on ripping off B movies no one has seen). I had to explain that nothing was wrong. Other than the fact that he doesn’t want to be my boyfriend.
If you are too embarrassed on my behalf, you can stop reading because it only gets worse.
After a FULL MINUTE of silence, he said, “I thought we already talked about this.”
Cue the waterworks! In case it wasn’t already clear to everyone in my hall that I was sobbing. The increased flow of my tears only freaked him out more as he scrambled to explain a fear of commitment and literally said, “It’s not you, it’s me.”
I kept mumbling that I really liked him and think we could be happy together, while he searched around for an escape route. Once I calmed down enough to breathe, I explained that I have issues with anxiety. He started to be more understanding and less freaked out. But he still didn’t want to be my boyfriend. (Can’t imagine why! Who doesn’t want a clingy, desperate A-cup following them around?)
He left like ten minutes later, having decided we should stop hooking up since it would complicate the movie. I was shocked he still wanted to be in the movie. That seems weird right??
> WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?? And why can I not stop crying?
Re: SIGNING OFF
* * *
Gen Goldman
to Ava
Ava!!!! No!!! Please don’t cry! I’m sorry I couldn’t talk last night! You need to text me code tears when there are tears!
Honestly, I don’t think that what happened is SO bad. Like is it cringeworthy? Yes. But will it have long-term repercussions on your life? Absolutely not.
If anything, this whole exchange just made Jake look bad. What kind of man can’t handle a few tears? A boy, that’s who! (Sorry. I couldn’t think of a better metaphor or saying.) Seriously, this is very revealing about his character. It’s better to know this now. Don’t take this the wrong way, but you aren’t going to be a “low-maintenance” girlfriend. But there is no reason you should be! You are an emotional person and you need to be with someone who has the faculties to handle that. Jake does not sound like that guy …
In terms of practical next steps, you don’t owe this guy anything. Other than your oral virginity. If you don’t want him in your movie, cast someone else! You are the auteur! He is a piece of shit!
Re: SIGNING OFF
* * *
Ava Helmer
to Gen
I love how you somehow manage to take my side regardless of how despicable my behavior. I’m too afraid to recast him. I would rather attempt to play it cool and act as though he isn’t the only guy who has seen me naked.
TREATY OF VERSAILLES
* * *
Gen Goldman
to Ava
Operation Make Alex Look Bad is in full swing. I have now met up with him twice, and both times I was the pinnacle of politeness. Turns out, I do have manners. I guess my rudeness has been a choice and not the product of a poor upbringing. I even bit my tongue when he suggested it was a GOOD IDEA the NSA can read our emails.
He insisted that we meet at his place, which is an off-campus apartment in Beacon Hill (for snobs). The whole place was decorated as though the person who lives there has a good personality, so I have to credit it to his roommate, who was MIA and probably more interesting. We spent the first hour or so talking about everyone at the paper, which was fun, and then we started arguing about the assignment in a very passive-aggressive, adult way. Our second meetup was even more heated, but I kept my cool and made him feel dumb at least once. Instead of attacking, I pulled a Dr. Lily and asked “Why?” 4,000 times until his logic started to crack.
We’re splitting up the research, but he still wants to make calls in the same room. He’s obviously very suspicious and wants to hear (and steal) all of my questions.
I found out Alex also has Charlotte as a TA but thinks she is a “flake posturing as a serious journalist.” I resisted informing him that that flake has a great ass!
You would be proud of me. I’m keeping all my feels on the inside, like a WASP.
“Those who would give up liberty for security deserve neither.”—Genevieve Franklin
P.S. What happened to our quote thing??? I miss us.
Re: TREATY OF VERSAILLES
* * *
Ava Helmer
to Gen
I’m very proud of you. You are posturing as a normal person not consumed by rage.
Here is a crazy idea. Have you ever thought that Alex wants to work in the same room as you because he likes you? Like likes you? Or is he gay? (Is that the proper terminology for a trans man? Please don’t yell at me.)
“Confidence is 10% hard work and 90% delusion.” —Ava Fey
Re: TREATY OF VERSAILLES
* * *
Gen Goldman
to Ava
Hahahahaha. That is the right terminology but the wrong interpretation. There is nothing romantic going on here. I’m barely attracted to him, and I’m attracted to everyone. I find his personality off-putting (even if his face is inviting). We are at war. And only one of us will survive!
“It takes a lot of money to look this cheap.”—G. G. Parton
4:13 PM PST
Emma is dropping out!
Which one is Emma again?
My cool theater major British friend!
Oh! That Emma.
She’s dropping out of college?
No! Of the house!
Y?
She thinks it’s all “rubbish.” Because she is British.
I’m so pissed. She was my only real friend here.
Are you going to drop out too?
No.
I don’t know. Should I?
Maybe try talking to a few other people first.
WHY DOES EVERYTHING BAD ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME?!
This isn’t Brexit, Ava. Chill out.
SORRY! I know that phrase is a trigger for you.
Chill out. (Not Brexit.)
8:42 PM EST
Tom wants to take me on a proper date???
Men are so dumb.
I thought you liked Tom.
I do. So why waste money on me?
Ask to go somewhere fancy!
DUH!
HEARTS OF DARKNESS: A FILMMAKER’S APOCALYPSE
* * *
Ava Helmer
to Gen
It’s finally arrived. D-day. Call time is 8 AM. We start in my dorm room and then move outside. Sunday we spend the entire day at my house. Both my parents have offered to be PAs, although my dad asked for an executive producer credit because he is paying my tuition. I think I’ll give it to him so he has something to hang on to in his old age.
I haven’t see or spoken to Jake outside of call sheet emails. I have no idea how to act or behave tomorrow. I guess like a director who has better things to worry about than her romantic future? I’m just glad this whole short is based on a LACK of chemistry between the two leads. If I had to see Jake and Sophia actually hitting it off for two full days, I think I would blow my brains out.
Going to try to get some sleep. Yes. I know it’s only 9 PM. Make fun of me later.
Re: HEARTS OF DARKNESS: A FILMMAKER’S APOCALYPSE
* * *
Gen Goldman
to Ava
KATHRYN BIGELOW WINS BEST DIRECTING: 2010 OSCARS
Go get ’em, kid!
2:04 PM EST
How’s it going???
5:37 PM EST
I hope ur crushing it and not suddenly mad at me for something I did 3 years ago.
8:29 PM EST
Sending you positive vibes!!
9:37 PM PST
Thank you!! Day 1 down!
How did it go??
2 tired 2 type.
Whoa.
11:42 AM EST
Ur mom just sent me a hot pic of you directing.
6:51 PM PST
Did I look dumb??
No! Adorable!
I mean … badass and professional.
This has been the craziest weekend.
Still not done.
I want a full report.
If I survive …
What are you doing?
Fancy date with cis male.
OOOOOOOOOOO
LADY & THE TRAMP (I’M THE TRAMP)
* * *
Gen Goldman
to Ava
Tom is a hilarious attempt at a person. He is 26 but acts 45. He brought me a dandelion as a gift. Also, he rides a Vespa. So I can cross riding a Vespa off my nonexistent bucket list. He tried to make me wear a helmet, but I ain’t about that life.
After a few near-death intersections, we arrived at some pricey Italian joint where all the waiters pretended to be Italian. Tom talked to them in a French accent just to keep the feel �
�international.” We ordered pastas and wine, and when they asked to see my ID, Tom laughed and said, “That’s got to feel good!” This caused us all to laugh and the waiter to forget the basic rules of running a drinking establishment.
Dinner was fun. I ate all of mine and half of Tom’s. Got to love free stuff and a date with a small appetite!
We left the restaurant and started walking around. Tom had heard about some art installation, but I didn’t want him to think we were dating so I asked to have sex instead. I am basically a manic pixie nightmare. He swallowed hard and then tried to hand me a helmet AGAIN. Boys never learn. We got to his place and I took off my own clothes because he seems like someone with shaky hands and I hate pretending not to notice people fucking up. He then took off his cardigan, which felt like a big move. He asked if I wanted coffee. WHILE I WAS NAKED. I said sure. We had naked coffee and then kissed. And then we ate miniature scones one of his lovesick students baked for him.
After an unreasonably long amount of time sitting bare-assed on a wicker chair, we finally got busy. It was OK. The scones were better. I didn’t sleep over because I thought it would be funnier to leave.
Charlotte texted me this morning. She’s pretending not to know what’s up, but we all know what’s up and IT’S ME.
“Be so good they can’t ignore you.”—G. Martin
Re: LADY & THE TRAMP (I’M THE TRAMP)
* * *
Ava Helmer
to Gen
Are you just trying to fill some sort of weird sex quota? Why are you having sex with people you don’t even like? Not that you shouldn’t like Tom, he actually sounds adorable. I feel sad for Tom. And me. I should be with Tom. Give him my number and stop having emotionally unavailable intercourse with him.