I Hate Everyone But You Read online

  I’m a bit concerned about how to act once I’m there. She probably doesn’t want to make it glaringly obvious to all her friends that she is sleeping with a student. But maybe I’ll linger around until everyone else leaves?

  God, I love games. She is so good at games. Too bad I’m better!

  LOVE AND TITS,

  G

  7:12 PM EST

    Holy shit.

    More details needed.

    Molly just popped off on me for canceling.

    Popped off how?

    Do you know what that means?

    I can infer.

    She lost it. Started screaming that no one appreciates her or respects her.

    What did you say?

    I left.

    You left???

    You know I don’t like to be yelled at.

    And I have a fancy lesbian event to attend.

    Are all of Charlotte’s friends lesbians?

    A girl can hope.

  SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING BIMBOS

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  I just spent three hours gluing sparkle Greek letters to a poster board while twenty other girls gossiped about The Bachelorette like the contestants are real people and not robots hired by a massive corporation to fulfill their given duties and then disappear into minor Instagram fame.

  It doesn’t help that I’ve never actually seen The Bachelorette …

  I don’t know. These girls take Gamma Phi so seriously. Like it’s something that actually matters and not an excuse to take dumb photos and meet guys. I’m all for sisterhood in the metaphorical sense, but actual “YOU ARE MY SISTER” is creeping me out.

  Am I just being a snob? Or am I trying to shove a wooden square into a small circle?

  The initiation ceremony happens in two weeks. If I drop out before then I won’t have to pay a full semester of dues. My mom says not to worry about the money, and my dad just keeps cracking jokes that end in Phi. (Phi ya later, etc.)

  I know you are busy eating fancy cheese and trying not to go to the bathroom, but when you get a chance, I could use a good old Genevieve weigh-in.

  A

  11:17 PM EST

    For my next birthday I would like a huge block of chevre, plzzz.

    Go home, kid. You’re drunk.

    But like rich drunk. This wine is $$$.

    How much?

    $$$$$$$

  Re: SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING BIMBOS

  * * *

  Gen Goldman

  to Ava

  Ava, I have read your concerns regarding BIMBOS and have some hangover thoughts. First off, the term “bimbo.” Please forgo the term entirely since it is outdated and perpetuates a patriarchal vocabulary. Are you a 1940s mobster telling his wife these other women don’t mean anything to him? No? Then stop saying “bimbo.” Also, I doubt all of these girls are so terrible. Have you tried talking to them about other interests? Isn’t one of the girls British? You can talk about Brexit!

  My official, once again, hungover, Genevieve weigh-in suggests more time. Not everyone hits it off immediately. I fear that I’ve ruined you for other women. I am the best. We all know that. Sometimes you have to settle.

  I CAN HEAR THE CREAKS IN THE FLOOR TWO STORIES ABOVE ME. IF MY HEAD EXPLODES, PLEASE KEEP MY BRAIN GOOP FOR SCIENCE.

  Ow. Ow. Ow.

  G

  12:43 PM PST

    Have contacted the CDC. They are scheduling body pickup.

    The CDC??? You think I have a disease?

    They were just the first government agency to answer the phone.

    How are you feeling?

    Is death a feeling?

    Drink Gatorade and don’t think this gets you out of a full disclosure of last night’s event.

    Stop pushing Gatorade on me.

    Sorry, I signed a brand deal.

  GENDER IS OVER (IF YOU WANT IT)

  * * *

  Gen Goldman

  to Ava

  Charlotte might be my soul mate if I believed in soul mates and was interested in a monogamous relationship. Her friends, mostly other grad students from every college in New England, are cool and smart and talk to me like I’m a person even though I just became one like a month ago.

  They are not all lesbians, but even the token cis straight guy had a feminine quality and BEAUTIFUL hair. It started out very casual, but by midnight everyone was red wine drunk and smoking from a bong shaped like an elephant Charlotte bought in India. I abstained from the bong because I needed my wits about me. This poetry TA from Amherst clearly had her eyes on my girl as well. By the end of the party it became a stand-off for her affection, but GUESS WHAT? College kids don’t need to sleep! Cathleen lost stamina at 2 AM and went home, leaving me with Charlotte, who was too wasted to do anything other than stroke my hair and tell me all the awards I will win one day. It was the most satisfying interaction of my life. (Don’t worry, we still fornicated in the morning.)

  She told me this morning that her friend is coming into town tomorrow so we’ll have to cool it for a week or two. What kind of person crashes for a week or two? (I know that’s what you are thinking.) Apparently, Charlotte hosts people all the time. She likes to feed off different creative energy.

  I don’t care, though. It’s not like we’re dating. We’re exploring. And now I can explore other people;)

  GG

  Re: GENDER IS OVER (IF YOU WANT IT)

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  Feeding off their energy??? Really?? This whole email seemed like a pamphlet from one of those spiritual people at the airport.

  I’m happy for you? I don’t understand you, but I’m happy for you.

  Now go explore with people your own age.

  10:24 AM EST

    My professor has a booger.

    Ewwwww. Tell him.

    I keep gesturing to my nose but this guy is not picking up what I’m putting out.

    Has everyone noticed?

    I can only assume.

    How are you texting in class?

    It’s connected to my computer.

  7:16 PM PST

    Jake asked me to come over.

    No.

    I just write back no???

    Write back “No. Next idea, please.”

    YOU ARE SO GOOD.

    Please hold.

    He’s typing …

    “Dinner?”

    I’m a fucking genius. People should pay me to tell them what to do.

    What should I wear???

    I have no idea.

  ELIZABETH TAYLOR AND RICHARD BURTON

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  Can you tell that I go to film school???

  Let me set the scene.

  INT. EL CHOLO—NIGHT

  Two nervous college students make small talk about films only one of them has seen. The food arrives. AVA, 18, doesn’t really like hers but pretends to.

  JAKE

  So when are you shooting the big movie?

  AVA chokes on a tortilla chip. It’s not cute.

  AVA

  Within the next few weeks. Still finalizing some stuff. Like the crew and location and script.

  JAKE

  Nice. Sweet. Cool. Who is playing the main guy?

  AVA

  Oh, we are also still finalizing the actors.

  JAKE

  I act, you know.

  AVA almost eats another tortilla chip but stops herself.

  AVA

  Anything I would have seen? Like a guest star on Law & Order?

  YOU GET IT! I’m not very good at dating, and Jake
wants to be in my movie! EEP!

  Do you think this is a good idea? Bad idea? Neutral?

  Part of me feels like this is the most obvious, cliché way for us to fall in love until one of us goes on a semester abroad. The other part of me feels like this is my project and I am really worried about doing it correctly and when I am worried I tend to be my “worst self” and maybe he will think I am a bitch even though I am just bossy and know what I want. (Thank you for helping me reclaim the word.)

  I didn’t know how to respond, so I told him he would have to audition. He laughed at this, thinking it was some sort of sexy innuendo even though I was being serious. I laughed back and then tried his chili margarita because some guy on Alvarado Street made him a fake ID last semester.

  He asked me to go back to his room after, but I played hard to get because my stomach hurt and because I was afraid. I don’t know if my stomach hurting was psychosomatic or a result of the food. Either way, I think our next “date” shouldn’t involve a meal. If there even is a next date. Apparently, I have to hold an audition first!

  SEND HELP, LOVE, AND ADVICE.

  A

  Re: ELIZABETH TAYLOR AND RICHARD BURTON

  * * *

  Gen Goldman

  to Ava

  Hmmmm. Interesting. This guy is aggressive, for sure. I admire the confidence but also find it off-putting from a straight white male. I think if you have any hesitation about it then you shouldn’t do it. This is your first short and that’s stressful enough. You don’t want to have to worry about some guy’s feelings on set.

  That said, all I want to do is write with Charlotte for the rest of my life, so what do I know?

  P.S. Did you see on Instagram that Tracy got a tattoo? Of a POT LEAF???? She made us stop watching Minority Report because it was rated R. COLLEGE CHANGES PEOPLE!

  Re: ELIZABETH TAYLOR AND RICHARD BURTON

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  That was actually me. And it was rated PG-13. But I still thought I was too young to properly ingest the content.

  8:06 PM EST

    Kent just called himself my editor. Out loud.

    hahahahaha

    It’s like he can hear us.

    I wouldn’t be surprised. He’s an investigative journalist.

    Change my name in your contacts.

  THERE ARE THREE TYPES OF PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD

  * * *

  Gen Goldman

  to Ava

  And they all go to journalism school. Allow me to explain. As a rough draft of my future exposé titled “There Are Three Types of People In This World: And They All Go to Journalism School.” (We are paid by the word.)

  The aforementioned Kent, my editor, falls under “Watergate devotees.” This paranoid group of young go-getters thinks they are always one article away from taking down the U.S. government. Watergate was their first coming and Edward Snowden is their messiah.

  The second type of “journalist” is “Carrie Bradshaw meets Dan Savage.” They think their own lives are newsworthy enough to warrant a story and are unable to remain “objective.” Very fun at parties, awful in class.

  Finally, we arrive at “If Hunter S. Thompson was in Almost Famous.” Write drunk, edit sober. Except they’re never sober. For every groundbreaking piece there are 15 paragraphs of incoherent LSD-fueled trash.

  Where do I fall, you might ask? I don’t subscribe to labels. Unless I’m labeling other people.

  G

  Re: THERE ARE THREE TYPES OF PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  I would peg you as a “Watergate devotee” with a healthy dose of cynicism.

  I haven’t quite pegged the three different types of screenwriters, but there seems to be a real divide among the film majors.

  Production major: Making movies since childhood. Already knows how to use a camera. Wants to specialize in directing. Snob.

  Screenwriting major: Loves movies. Horrible at technical aspects of filmmaking such as “the line” and lighting. Not popular in high school. Most likely to make money.*

  Critical studies major: Wanted to be a production major but didn’t get in. (See above for personality type.)

  Animation major: Mysterious.

  *I, however, won’t ever make any money because my script for the short is ATROCIOUS! How did I get into this school? Did they even read my application? I must have been some sort of mailing error they were too embarrassed to fix.

  4:32 PM PST

    Remember that time you ghostwrote a note for me and then Brett Collins and I hooked up in your car as a result?

    Yes …

    PROOF YOU ARE A GREAT WRITER.

    You said his saliva tasted like soy sauce.

    That’s on him. Not you.

    UR a .

  8:15 PM PST

    Uh-oh.

    SpaghettiOs!

    Why are all of your references not of this time??

    Old soul.

    What’s up?

    Molly wants me to go to the party with her …

    Have you talked since the big blowout?

    Nope.

    Do you want to go?

    Nope.

    So you’re gonna …

    Go. Obviously. It’s a party.

    MAKE GOOD DECISIONS.

  AWKWARD TURTLE

  * * *

  Gen Goldman

  to Ava

  So … last night happened. And it was fucking weird.

  I went to that party with Molly around 10 (because parties start at 10), and it was fine but nothing special. I feel like art students are performing instead of living. And it’s not that fun to talk to a caricature of a human being. If I found out that I was actually talking to an alien PRETENDING to be a human, sign me up. An actual human who can’t relate to emotion and empathy? No, thanks.

  Anyway, around 1, I wanted to bail, and Molly insisted on coming with me (even though she ignored me all night). She was hungry and dragged me to this pizza place called New York Pizza. Hilarious. After making a scene because they didn’t carry pineapples (???), she calmed down enough to sit on a bench outside and wait for me to bring her the food, which I also had to pay for. I stayed inside waiting for our calzones, which take FOREVER. By the time they were finally ready, I walked outside into a full-blown shit storm. Charlotte was standing there with her friend from out of town, this stunning Nigerian woman, Essie, while Molly screamed at her.

  Yes, my friend/hookup, Molly, was yelling at my TA/lover, Charlotte. In front of a beautiful, worldly woman. Do you remember Molly’s torturous ex, Charlie?

  Charlie = Charlotte and Charlotte = Charlie.

  YEP!

  And apparently things did not end well between them. Molly was shouting something about dignity when I strolled up, in shock. But Charlotte remained cool, barely looking my way, not giving anything away. She let Molly go on for a bit until she tired herself out. (FYI, this is a great tactic to use when someone is shouting at you.) Essie even pulled out her phone at one point before introducing herself to me very casually while Molly screamed, “I am not a toy!”

  Eventually, Molly stopped to catch her breath and Charlotte stroked her hair, somehow making her feel taken care of and stupid for acting out. Within a moment both women were gone, and Molly was stuffing her face with a calzone.

  Like … what do I do now??? Do I tell Molly I’m sleeping with Charlotte? (I’m thinking: NO.) Do I reach out to Charlotte to apologize for Molly’s behavior? Or do I just do nothing at all and wait for everything to die down? (Seems like a solid plan.)

  I think I need to put the kibosh on the whole Molly situation. This girl is unstable and not in a manic-pixie-dream-girl-good-times way.

&
nbsp; HOW WAS YOUR NIGHT?

  G

  Re: AWKWARD TURTLE

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  Whoa. This Charlotte gets around. Is she dating that Essie girl too? I don’t understand your life.

  I know this is unlike me, but I think you’re right. No plan is the best plan. Other than staying away from Molly. And maybe eating more vegetables.

  My night was fine. Hung out at the house and tried to feel like “one of the girls.” I don’t know. My entire involvement at Gamma Phi feels forced. There is ANOTHER football game this weekend that we are encouraged (expected) to attend. I think I might just go home instead. I wonder how many different “family birthday parties” I’ll have to attend this year to get out of things. I might need to transition to funerals at some point …

  OK. Off to go audition Jake. I told him he had to do a chemistry read with Sophia before I could hand him the part. Here’s hoping the poorly written sides won’t make him change his mind!

  Re: AWKWARD TURTLE

  * * *

  Gen Goldman

  to Ava

  Why are you auditioning Jake??? I thought we decided you don’t need no man???

  4:32 PM PST

    I’m auditioning Jake because I am dumb and weak.

    Also he is so cute and I have nothing and no one.

    Cool. Just needed clarification.

  AND THE OSCAR GOES TO…

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  Another white person!

  But for real, Sophia is SO good. I had no idea. I basically just cast her in an attempt to strengthen our friendship and get free access to gear. But the girl has chops. Jake was pretty good too. He ad-libbed some lines, which I didn’t LOVE, but then again, art is about collaboration yada yada. (I want to write movies alone in my room.)