I Hate Everyone But You Read online

  *I’M MAKING A FILM!!!

  **I’m making a short film!!

  I’m making a student film.

  11:47 PM EST

    Hypothetically, can I get fired for hooking up with my editor?

    Kent???? Your editor, Kent????

    NO!

    Any editor.

    Or would only the editor get fired and I can sue for sexual harassment?

    Is this really just a hypothetical?

    Yep.

    I’ll ask my dad.

  SUPERMAN VS LEX LUTHOR

  * * *

  Gen Goldman

  to Ava

  I have a nemesis. Which is actually great because I always thought you weren’t an interesting person until at least a few people hated you.

  His name is Alex. He’s the only other freshman who has any real shot of getting a news staff position next semester. He hasn’t written anything groundbreaking at Emerson, but he won a big-time national award for his high school paper last year. An exposé on gendered elementary school bathrooms. He’s trans BTW. Which is the equivalent of having a private plane at Emerson and probably nowhere else. (I’m not outing him, for the record. It’s public knowledge.)

  Am I upset that my nemesis is a socially conscious, dapper prodigy? You bet! But his cleverly worded group emails aren’t fooling me. Behind his Pride-stickered laptop is a conniving jerk who is only out for himself. He’s already spreading rumors that I “got lucky” with my dean story and I have yet to prove myself as an actual journalist.

  Too bad no one ever told him that rage is my secret weapon!

  “That’s my secret, Cap. I’m always angry.”

  BITCHES AND HOS,

  G

  Re: SUPERMAN VS LEX LUTHOR

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  OK. Lots to process here. How do you know he is spreading rumors? And isn’t it better to not engage? Maybe just put your head down and do the work!

  Sigh. Even as I am writing this, I know it is a waste of time. I’m going to turn on the news and see that you got involved in some lightsaber battle with Out magazine’s student of the year.

  The worst part is this super-unhealthy rivalry will probably make you a better journalist.

  “Follow your heart but take your brain with you.”

  —A top 10 funny quote according to Google search

  Ava

  Re: SUPERMAN VS LEX LUTHOR

  * * *

  Gen Goldman

  to Ava

  Let’s end every email with a ridiculous quote! Mine will all be from the Marvel Cinematic Universe!

  Rumor has it that Alex made a few biting remarks at a Beacon party last weekend and he actively rolled his eyes at me this morning in a meeting. Plus, he REFUSES to follow me back on Twitter. And his Instagram is private. WHAT ARE YOU HIDING, ALEX?!

  I’m going to take this asshole down. Even if I have to kiss Kent’s “Editor” butt outside of business hours, I’ll put on ChapStick and get to it! Office Gen: pretty good time. Party Gen: unstoppable.

  Eat shit. (Not you.)

  “Genius, Billionaire, Playboy, Philanthropist.”

  —Genevieve Goldman

  8:36 PM PST

    Sophia broke up with her boyfriend!

    Called it.

    She’s being eerily calm about it.

    She didn’t like that guy.

    ???

    How would you know that?

    I assume no one likes anyone until uve been married for like 20 years.

    According to that logic, your parents must like each other …

    HOLY SHIT! I’d completely forgotten I have parents!

    My mom won’t stop texting me about “Jane the Virgin.”

    Ruth!! What a softie!

    Have you really not called your parents??

    No comment.

  CHRISTIAN BALE VS THE DP

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  Hate to steal your thunder, but you’re no longer the only person with a nemesis. Although, in my case, as you can see from the subject line, both the antagonist and the protagonist are heavily flawed.

  Who is the incompetent cinematographer to my grisly Christian Bale (tortured/talented)? Why, it’s none other than my obnoxious teen therapist, Lily. Finally found out her first name! And it’s adorable, which makes it hard to scream in a believably angry way.

  After weeks of not talking, other than to ask me to repeat myself, only for her to NOT write anything down, Dr. Lily decides to make an announcement. Apparently, I’m incredibly defensive. Defensive to what? Her soft chewing of hard candy? (Seriously, we’re talking three different Life Savers in the course of one hour.)

  I wasn’t even sure that this woman was capable of audible speech and suddenly she’s accusing me of building walls and refusing to see anything outside of my own “self-diagnosis.” She had the audacity to ask me why I even come to therapy if I already have everything figured out and under control. I HAVE NOTHING FIGURED OUT AND EVERYTHING IS OUT OF CONTROL. Anyone who knows me knows this. Plus, I have to go the therapy or my parents will pull me out of school. That was the deal.

  I tried to explain this to her, calmly, and she said, and I quote, “Why are you so angry?” WELL, NOW I’M REALLY ANGRY. Nothing pisses me off more than someone telling me I’m pissed off. (I have to assume this is an innate biological reaction, because how else would anyone respond to such infuriating commentary?)

  The rest of the session was an angry blur. But I tried to explain my point of view.

  1) I’m not defensive, I’m just filling the time with my own observations because she never says anything.

  2) I’m more well versed in my particular brand of illness because I have been living with it for 14 years and she just met me.

  3) I am very self-aware and do not find myself to be abnormally defensive.

  Instead of engaging me in a conversation about her brand-new interpretation of me, she clammed up and leaned her head to one side. Do you know what’s the most effective way to make someone sound defensive? Force her to talk, for 20 minutes, about how she’s totally NOT defensive.

  She is an evil genius. And I will destroy her.

  I just want to go back to Dr. Miles and her comfy couch in Santa Monica. Maybe she can do Skype sessions. Or my parents will let me bring my car. A bunch of other freshmen have cars. I’m sure I can find three hours in the middle of the week to drive across the city and have a nice familiar face tell me that I’m making great progress.

  “I hate therapy.”—Ava Helmer, 2017

  Re: CHRISTIAN BALE VS THE DP

  * * *

  Gen Goldman

  to Ava

  I appreciate your commitment to ending every email with a quote, but I have to call technicality on quoting yourself. If you became a meme or something, then MAYBE you could send said meme back to me, but until you go viral, please refer to outside sources.

  What were you guys talking about when all of this happened?

  “Whatever happens tomorrow, you must promise me one thing. That you will stay who you are. Not a perfect soldier, but a good [wo]man.”—Stanley Tucci

  G

  Re: CHRISTIAN BALE VS THE DP

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  We were talking about this kid in my writing class, Ben, who always critiques me unnecessarily. I can handle notes, but this guy goes after me, every time. And then, yesterday, he told me not to get defensive. Which obviously sparked a new word in Dr. Lily and she held on to it for dear life.

  You don’t think I’m defensive, do you?

  Re: CHRISTIAN BALE VS THE DP

  * * *

  Gen Goldman
r />   to Ava

  How about them Yankees? Gonna be a great year.

  Re: CHRISTIAN BALE VS THE DP

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  Genevieve!

  Re: CHRISTIAN BALE VS THE DP

  * * *

  Gen Goldman

  to Ava

  OK. OK. Are you defensive? Yes. But everyone is defensive. And I think it’s a bit different for you because you do a lot of work of explaining your own behavior and thoughts to yourself so it’s extra hard to hear an outsider’s point of view and/or someone who spends no time considering her own actions (aka someone like me).

  ALSO, this woman sees you as highly functioning. She doesn’t necessarily understand where you are coming from and the work you’ve had to do to get to this place. (Like me.)

  So in conclusion, maybe you are defensive. But that doesn’t mean you will always be defensive. If anyone knows how to change for the better, it’s you. Remember when you used to shower three times a day? What are you down to now??

  Life is a journey. Namaste.

  Re: CHRISTIAN BALE VS THE DP

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  I’m down to one shower and a foot wash.

  I see your point. But I still hate her and hard candies.

  2:56 PM PST

    I just fell down in front of a large group of people.

    Fell down how?

    Tripped or touched ground?

    Full ground.

    Send pic.

    I stood back up!

    So ur fine;)

    I hope one day something truly embarrassing happens to you and you are forced to understand my daily struggle.

    You can’t be embarrassed if you don’t get embarrassed.

    I hate you.

    RIP. love u 2

  3:12 PM EST

    Charlotte wants to see me in her office.

    That’s good!

    Home is good.

    Office is bad.

    The drawbacks of banging your teacher.

    #slutlife

  HOT CO-ED NEWSLETTER

  * * *

  Gen Goldman

  to Ava

  Turns out we had to meet in her office because her house was occupied. For a second, I thought she wanted to talk about my latest paper, because she handed it to me, but then I realized we just hadn’t closed the door yet and one of her colleagues was walking by. But then the door closed and work was over for the day!

  Get it? We had sex in her office!

  Very exciting and uncomfortable. I think people do stuff on a bed for a reason, but it was a real rush. Definitely something for the spank bank.

  Afterward, I tried to talk to her about the whole Molly episode, but she brushed it off. Apparently, they were barely together and Molly just likes drama. I asked her if she thought I should stay friends with her, and Charlotte said she didn’t care either way. I didn’t bother to share that Molly and I have hooked up because the whole thing seemed so childish in the fluorescent glow of her cramped shared office.

  Molly hasn’t reached out anyway, so I think it’s a nonissue.

  If it wasn’t clear, I feel very accomplished and cool.

  G

  Re: HOT CO-ED NEWSLETTER

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  You had sex in her office??? What is wrong with this person?? Is she actively trying to get fired??

  Didn’t you write an entire exposé about a teacher’s inappropriate behavior with his students? Why is this OK? Because it’s a female teacher??

  I really feel like you need to be careful. Weekends, whatever. I’m not your mother. Or my mother. But stop flirting with danger. It’s getting ridiculous.

  Re: HOT CO-ED NEWSLETTER

  * * *

  Gen Goldman

  to Ava

  Thank you for the concern, but you’re freaking out over nothing. I’m trying to get that sleazy dean fired because of sexual HARASSMENT. What happened today was completely consensual and THAT is why it is different.

  You make me not want to tell you stuff when you react like this.

  Re: HOT CO-ED NEWSLETTER

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  Don’t do that. Don’t make it seem like I have to agree with everything you do in order to stay in your life. That’s not what friends are for. If you want a yes-woman, make a lot of money and buy one.

  Re: HOT CO-ED NEWSLETTER

  * * *

  Gen Goldman

  to Ava

  It’s possible to disagree with someone without sounding like a judgy, condescending asshole.

  I’m not a moron. I’m not going to get kicked out of school. Even if we got caught, so what? It’s not like she’s my professor and I’m blowing her to get an A. She’s not even in charge of my grade!

  You need to chill out and grow up.

  8:14AM EST

  9:32AM PST

  #TBT

  * * *

  Gen Goldman

  to Ava

  Can I post that photo of you with the braces and the American flag tankini? With the caption “In orthodonture we trust”?

  Too late. I already posted.

  Re: #TBT

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  I’m assuming this is your social media olive branch? Mass humiliation?

  Re: #TBT

  * * *

  Gen Goldman

  to Ava

  Jake liked it. Which means he’s looking at your tagged photos on Instagram …

  Re: #TBT

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  Shut up! I like him so much. I hope he can’t tell.

  7:29 PM EST

    Nemesis alert!

    You ran into Dr. Lily?

    MY nemesis!

    Alex and I were in Emerson’s gender-neutral bathroom at the same time and he said NOTHING!

    He ignored you after you said hi?

    I didn’t say hi!

    Then you ignored him!

    No!

    I was already at the sink when he came up. The person to join the sink last has to say hello.

    What weird knockoff Miss Manners book did your mom buy you?

    My mom doesn’t buy books. You know that.

    I think maybe you are being an instigator in this rivalry.

    You come at the king, you BEST not miss.

    I’m just glad you washed your hands.

  SEX?

  Ave Helmer

  to Gen

  Did I do it? Did I not do it? I guess you’ll have to watch (read) to find out:

  TITLE CARD: 7 HOURS EARLIER

  I hold an informal table read in my dorm’s common area with Jake, Sophia, Emma, and our DP, Curtis. (Emma is a theater major and plays the one other role.) Jake tried to sit next to me but I told him to sit next to Sophia so they could play off each other. He then sat VERY close to Sophia, which, if we’re being honest, made me uncomfortable. Also, single Sophia is a lot more flirtatious than long-distance-relationship Sophia. I think I saw her touch his leg. Leg is a bold move!

  I haven’t given Sophia all the dirty details about me and Jake, but she knows I like him and that we have been intimate (exactly two times and with one semifancy dinner). I doubt she would really make a pass at him, but that’s probably what Jennifer Aniston thought before Angelina ruined her life (and then Brad’s).

  In better news, the reading went really well! Curtis, a junior who barel
y speaks, guffawed at a few of the lines, and Emma complimented me on my “clever dialogue.” I still need to make a few changes, mostly due to production concerns, but I think it’s shaping up! “Good Manners” should have a wide theatrical release in no time!

  I think we have to shoot the final scene at my parents’ house, BTW. So … there’s that. And the idea of Jake meeting my dad, who will either ignore him completely or try to show off with actual magic tricks. Can’t wait!

  THE END

  Just kidding! After the reading, Jake asked me what I was doing, and I replied, “Why don’t you tell me?” because I have seen too many cheesy films and like to make it hard for myself to fall asleep when there are so many mortifying moments to replay in my mind.

  Luckily for me, he ignored my rom-com come-on and invited me over to his room to watch When Harry Met Sally. YEP! He invited me over to see one of my favorite movies of all time. If that’s not true love …

  CUT TO:

  Jake’s room. The movie is playing. His arm is around me. I lean in and whisper, “Do you think Sophia’s pretty?”

  I’M THE WORST. I know. BUT. It was almost worth it because:

  JAKE: Not as pretty as you.

  A few minutes later, I saw my first penis.

  END SCENE.

  10:42 AM EST

    What the actual fuck.

    We didn’t fuck! I thought I made that clear!

    What did you do???

    At this point I’m gonna assume he put it in your ear if ur not more specific.

    Do people do that???

    Ava. Cut the bullshit.

    OK. Sorry. It’s embarrassing.

    Y? Was it crooked?