I Hate Everyone But You Read online

    Gross! No!

    There is nothing gross about that. All bodies are beautiful.

    Spare me right now. I’m recovering from a hand job.

    WHAT!!! People still give hand jobs in the year of our Lord 2017???

    I thought so!! Was I not supposed to do that??

    Did he tell you to stop?

    No!

    Then more power to you.

    I feel weird and also excited.

    Same.

  ****CONGRATULATIONS****

  * * *

  Gen Goldman

  to Ava

  On seeing a penis! So proud of you, bb.

  Re: ****CONGRATULATIONS****

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  Thank you??? The rush is over and now the anxiety is settling in like a familiar flu.

  Did I move too quickly?? Is he going to lose all interest and respect for me?

  I know this is completely backward and sexist, but the media has ingrained this way of thinking in my brain and I am not stronger than the media.

  It’s been 12 hours since I saw him, and no contact. I’ve started imagining that he’s run off to Paris with Sophia and Curtis. (Curtis is there to document the trip for later Instagram posts. And to carry the luggage.)

  HELP!

  Re: ****CONGRATULATIONS****

  * * *

  Gen Goldman

  to Ava

  OK. Calm down. It’s been 12 hours. And I am saying that in a casual it’s-only-been-12-hours voice and not in an IT’S-BEEN-12-WHOLE-HOURS!-THE-MISSING-PERSON-MUST-BE-DEAD! voice.

  I understand the anxiety. You’re facing a whole new world of genitals and feelings. But from everything you’ve told me, this guy Jake likes you. And he doesn’t seem to have that much going on.

  I’m sure he’s just trying to play it cool. Or he might still be sleeping. Some people sleep past 8:30 AM.

  Also, this is one dumb guy in one dumb college. (No offense. But it’s not even ranked that high.) You have lived without him for 18 years. You can live without him for 18 more.

  And then maybe you’ll run into each other at a supermarket, rekindle the flame, and leave your current spouses for a rocky second marriage!

  Isn’t life exciting???

  G

  5:12 PM PST

    USC is the #1 film school in the country.

    Emerson is the #1 gay school in the country.

    Any contact from you know who?

    No. I’m freaking.

    Emma wants me to go out on the row with her tonight. But what if Jake thinks I’m stalking him?

    Go everywhere but his house.

    I have to go to his house! I’m stalking him!

    I can’t help you.

  NOT ALL CONSPIRACIES ARE THEORIES

  * * *

  Gen Goldman

  to Ava

  It’s 3 AM. Do you know where your children are?

  I’m in my room, a little high, and thinking about Edward Snowden. I know! I’ve said it before. But that man is a hero. I think I need to find him and thank him with my body. I wonder if he gets a lot of ass in Russia, or if no one cares because the Russian government is obviously corrupt so it’s like “big whoop.”

  Do you think he has met Putin? Do you think anyone has really met Putin? Is he the kind of guy you can really know?

  My roommate is snoring. This is a new development. I don’t like it.

  What if I am the next Edward Snowden? I guess I would have to infiltrate the NSA for a few years. But I’d be willing to go undercover for the sake of our great nation.

  I want to be a hero, Ava. Or really rich. I think it’s easy to make yourself a hero when you can pay for it.

  I know you fantasize about accepting your Oscar and thanking your parents after falling on the steps to the podium, but I fantasize about meeting a source in a parking garage and putting my entire family at risk.

  I WANT TO BE GREAT, AVA! I WANT TO WRITE THINGS THAT CHANGE THE WORLD AND WALK INTO ROOMS FULL OF PEOPLE WHO FEAR ME!

  I will have a legacy without having a stretched-out vagina from childbirth!!

  POWER TO THE FOURTH ESTATE!

  Re: NOT ALL CONSPIRACIES ARE THEORIES

  * * *

  Gen Goldman

  to Ava

  WOW! I was so high last night hahahahahhha.

  7:12 AM PST

    Texting you from inside enemy territory.

    Russia???

    What? No!

    Did you read my email?

    Not yet. I just woke up …

    Did something bad happen??

    Yes, to the American people.

    I got high and watched “Citizenfour” twice.

    Again???

    Yep! Where are you?

    Jake’s room.

    WTF?!

    I know! I’m freaking out!

    This is my first sleepover since 7th grade when I made my mom pick me up from Rachel’s house because the sheets were dirty.

    Thinking about your childhood makes me sad.

    How did you handle frat boy sheets?

    Alcohol and breathing exercises.

    ALCOHOL???

    You hate alcohol!

    Very much.

    I need full details.

    Too hard to type. His body is crushing my arm.

    Kinky.

  ABOUT LAST NIGHT

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  It was an evening a lot like most. Moderate Southern California air that still made me feel cold. Laughter and off-color jokes in the air. Emma picked me up at my dorm and we walked over to the row together. All the Gamma Phi pledges were going to the 9-0 but Emma wanted a break from all of the girls we are paying to be friends with. She’s been flirting with some Lambda Chi guy and wanted a second opinion. Apparently, her ex was a complete nightmare but no one bothered to tell her.

  Pat, her guy, wasn’t quite a nightmare, but he was nightmare adjacent. He made us do shots upon entry and then tried to hand me off to one of his friends so Emma would make out with him in the corner. It was actually really sweet. They would make out for a few minutes and then she would ask if I was OK, then they would make out for a few more minutes and she’d ask if I was OK. Carl, the guy I was handed off to, refused to look me in the eye and spent our precious time together checking out other girls. Within 20 minutes, I was exhausted and ready to go home. I thought about meeting the other pledges at the bar but decided not every night of my young college life has to be fun.

  I tapped Emma on the bare shoulder a few times and told her I forgot to plug my computer in. YEP! That was my excuse. They don’t call me one-shot Helmer for nothing! Luckily Emma was in such a snog-fog (her word, not mine) that she didn’t question it.

  I started the long walk of lame home only to hear my name shouted from the rooftops. Seriously. The guys at ZBT put lawn chairs on their roof, and Jake was standing up screaming at me.

  This was both the most mortifying and thrilling moment of my entire life. And I am including the time I won my dad a day with Cal Ripken Jr. and had to recite my winning essay in front of the other participants.

  I had to yell back at him to stop, only for him to scream, “MEET ME IN MY ROOM.”

  Looks like my walk of lame was quickly becoming a walk of shame before I even took any of my clothes off.

  I arrived at his room a good TEN MINUTES before him. Apparently roof access is treacherous. When he finally arrived, I was in full-blown panic attack mode. But then he saw me and whistled and I relaxed. Jake, drunk, is very fun. Is that bad to say? He’s goofy and fun and makes it easy for me to say whatever I want without
feeling like there will be dramatic repercussions. We also started kissing very quickly, which was nice. You know how I feel about pretense.

  Have I always fantasized about losing my virginity to a wasted sophomore in the middle of a party? Nope! But luckily he fell asleep before that happened! I don’t want to diagnose him with ED because I’m not a doctor, but there were definitely symptoms. Such as his erection having a dysfunction.

  It was probably a one-time alcohol thing …

  BUT! What if alcohol isn’t the problem? And I’m the problem?? I certainly didn’t look good enough last night to keep Creepy Carl’s interest. Maybe I just wasn’t doing it for him. I mean, there are plenty of people I’m not attracted to (most people). What if Jake isn’t attracted to me at all, and I’ve just been making a fool of myself the entire time? He didn’t try any funny business in the morning either! Although he was hungover and his roommate had crawled into bed sometime when we were already asleep. He offered to walk me to my dorm, but I declined because I continuously cock-block myself.

  In conclusion, how can you want to fuck Edward Snowden? I thought you were gay now.

  Re: ABOUT LAST NIGHT

  * * *

  Gen Goldman

  to Ava

  I have so many angry thoughts I don’t know which one to e-shout at you first! But since I am selfish, I guess I will start with the one about me!

  I am perfectly within my queer rights to want to fuck Edward Snowden. Sexuality is like a river, and sometimes it bends right into America’s greatest hero.

  Also, have you heard of the colloquial term “BISEXUAL”? Stop trying to make me in your heteronormative image!

  Back to my other trigger warning. YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM. Never blame yourself for the physical failings of a man. Their infrastructure is designed for malfunction.

  Do you think men ever sit at home and think about how THEY’RE THE PROBLEM?? No way. So don’t waste your thoughts either.

  Also, and I hate myself for asking, but I feel like you’ve conditioned me: Have you guys had any sort of talk? About what you are? Do you think you want to have sex if you haven’t DTR? I’m not saying you should marry the guy (please don’t marry the guy), but it might be worth having a check-in to make sure you’re on the same page.

  I can talk to him too if you want. I am very good at making empty threats of violence seem real.

  Re: ABOUT LAST NIGHT

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  I looked up “bisexuality” and some leading scientists have inconclusive evidence that it might be real.

  (JK JK OMG JUST KIDDING)

  Thank you for saying that thing about DTR. I’ve wanted to bring it up so many times but I don’t know how and I don’t want to seem clingy.*

  *I can’t believe how enduring one comment from one summer camp boyfriend can be. (I was 11 years old, Kyle! Of course I was clingy!)

  What should I say? How should I say it? WHEN should I say it?

  I hate feeling like I am never going to hear from him ever again each time we say goodbye. I know this can’t be true, mostly because he is in my movie, but still. I don’t trust that he won’t disappear just like every other confidant other than you.

  Please include specific instructions, as always.

  Re: ABOUT LAST NIGHT

  * * *

  Gen Goldman

  to Ava

  You are on thin ice with the gay community.

  (JK JK LOL ROFL JK)

  Specific instructions:

  1) Wait for him to contact you.

  2) Meet in a public place.

  3) Ask him what he thinks this is. Make him answer this first. DO NOT LET HIM GET AWAY WITHOUT ANSWERING YOU. If he says, “the start of something” or “I want you to be my girlfriend,” you can stay. If he says, “We’re just having fun,” leave. Not abruptly. But the first moment you can do so without it being a big deal.

  a. If you are able to stay, make sure you have another talk about exclusivity before actual intercourse, but until that moment, just enjoy your first official relationship!

  b. If you have to leave abruptly, do not hang out with him ever again one-on-one. Don’t be rude or ignore him. Instead be “busy.” He will either change his tune or sing a song you don’t want anyway!

  Please do not share this foolproof list with anyone. If you disobey, and credit its creation to me, I will deny everything.

  4:12 PM PST

    Jake just texted me!

    To apologize for “passing out early.”

    Like a little bitch?

    Yep! I said, “No problem.”

    These are like modern-day love letters.

    I wonder if future college kids will study them in lit class.

    What was I supposed to say back???

    “NBD. Want to be my boyfriend??”

    Couldn’t hurt.

    Should I ask to see him?

    NO!!

    He should ask to see you.

  IN COLD BLOOD

  * * *

  Gen Goldman

  to Ava

  Have you seen this??? Article below!

  CASUAL BEACON PARTY MARRED BY FRESHMAN FUED

  By Genevieve Goldman

  Berkeley Beacon Staff

  BOSTON—A small congregation of Beacon employees gathered together Saturday night to celebrate a well-received issue only for the lively celebration to be interrupted by a screaming match between two cub reporters. Genevieve Goldman arrived at said party at approximately 9 PM. The group email cited 8 PM as the official start time. Kent Winzel, Goldman’s editor, was hosting the party at his home in Allston, and directed his young guest and protégée to the beverages.

  Upon entrance into the kitchen, Goldman immediately spotted fellow journalist and ne’er-do-well, Alex Cassidy. Cassidy was already a few drinks in and greeted his rumored rival with a smirk. Goldman, stone-cold sober, refused to take the bait and poured herself a modest glass of boxed wine before retiring to the living room.

  After about an hour of stimulating conversation, Goldman went to refill her glass for the third (or fourth) time and found Cassidy still manning the table. Goldman inquired if Cassidy was hired help, and Cassidy shot back an accusation involving Goldman’s roommate and questionable loyalty. Rumor has it that Goldman’s roommate, Shannon Middleton, is gunning for a position on the Student Government Association (SGA). Seeing as the Beacon serves as the sole checks and balances for the SGA, there is often controversy surrounding any possible conflicts of interest.

  Goldman, having no idea that her roommate was even running for SGA, lashed out and accused Cassidy of trying to start unnecessary trouble. Cassidy retaliated with faux concern that the Beacon’s reputation would be on the line if an unreliable editor were to be hired on staff. The argument continued at increasing volume until Winzel, Goldman’s editor, entered the room and encouraged both parties to partake in the next round of Kings. Goldman obliged while Cassidy preferred to join a grating conversation about the semicolon. He could later be heard quoting Oscar Wilde from the other room.

  The night proceeded without further incident until Goldman was on her way to the train and spotted Cassidy a few feet ahead. Goldman didn’t say anything until the two were waiting for the B Line train. She then asked Cassidy if he had had a good time, to which Cassidy scoffed and rolled his eyes. Goldman then inquired if she had done something to offend Cassidy, to which Cassidy reportedly replied, “You haven’t done anything to me.”

  This unnerving statement hung in the air until the two young people boarded the train and found their way back to their dorms without further incident.

  WHAT A PSYCHOPATH!!!

  Re: IN COLD BLOOD

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  Not to edit you on your journalism, but
from a storytelling point of view, I found this particular article anticlimactic. The headline was click bait and I was left unsatisfied. Who cares if Shannon is running for SGA? Why is “You’ve haven’t done anything to me” an unnerving statement? What do you want to have done to him?

  Honestly, it sounds like you want him to pull your hair on the playground so you can hit him back and then fall in love 15 years later.

  Re: IN COLD BLOOD

  * * *

  Gen Goldman

  to Ava

  This isn’t a rom-com. You don’t understand the dynamic.

  9:12 PM EST

    I convinced Shannon not to run for SGA.

    How?? Why??

    I explained that she would have to go to a lot of long meetings.

    She didn’t already know that?

    NOPE!

    She’s gonna join Quidditch instead.

    I no longer believe this is a real school.

    Eat shit, Alex.

  7:23 PM PST

    Jake wants me to come over to talk about the script …

    Come over where?

    I don’t know. The secret library he keeps under his bed?

    I’m assuming his room.

    HEY! Don’t take all your pent-up sexual frustration out on me.

    I’m the wind beneath your wings.

    Can I go?

    I’m told this is a free country. For white men.

    But you explicitly told me that I have to meet him in a public place.

    Eh. Rules are meant to be broken.

    YOU WROTE THOSE RULES.

    Use a condom!

  SHANNON (A CHARACTER STUDY)

  * * *

  Gen Goldman

  to Ava

  So I know you’re probably busy making sweet, sweet third base right now, but I wanted to fill you in on what I’m doing with my night.