I Hate Everyone But You Page 5
Re: PLEDGING MY LIFE AWAY
* * *
Gen Goldman
to Ava
Weird. That’s also lesbian sex.
7:12 PM PST
We’re making each other posters.
Why?
I don’t know. I don’t want a fucking poster.
Write that on the poster.
Can I quit yet?
You can do whatever you want.
I’M NOT A QUITTER.
I love quitting.
It feels weird that I’m essentially paying these people to hang out with me.
Did your parents not tell you I’ve been salaried since freshman year?
I knew it.
You were too cool to be true.
YOU’VE BEEN CAUGHT
* * *
Gen Goldman
to Ava
Hypocrite.
Re: YOU’VE BEEN CAUGHT
* * *
Ava Helmer
to Gen
Oh, no! What did I do??? Was anyone hurt?
Re: YOU’VE BEEN CAUGHT
* * *
Gen Goldman
to Ava
Just your reputation as someone who shares everything with her best friend. You thought you could follow chinatownjake98 on Instagram without me noticing?
NICE TRY! GUESS AGAIN, BITCH.
Re: YOU’VE BEEN CAUGHT
* * *
Ava Helmer
to Gen
How do you know that??? Do you have actual social media powers?
I only followed him because Sophia made me. She’s sick of complaining about her long-distance boyfriend and wanted a distraction. I am completely ashamed.
Re: YOU’VE BEEN CAUGHT
* * *
Gen Goldman
to Ava
Why are you ashamed? He followed you back.
Sophia should dump the LDR. It’s destined to fail anyway.
Re: YOU’VE BEEN CAUGHT
* * *
Ava Helmer
to Gen
HE FOLLOWED ME BACK??? HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS STUFF?!
Re: YOU’VE BEEN CAUGHT
* * *
Gen Goldman
to Ava
How do you NOT know this stuff?! Seriously. Your mom is better at the Internet than you.
What’s your next move? And don’t say unfollowing him.
Re: YOU’VE BEEN CAUGHT
* * *
Ava Helmer
to Gen
Some of the girls in my house are going to his frat tonight. I guess I could go? And try to not look like a troll with social anxiety?
Did I tell you my therapist nodded at my last session? She’s really opening up.
1:14 AM EST
Have a draft of my follow-up piece. Can I send it to you?
YES! Will read ASAP.
I thought you were going to the party?
I’m at the party.
AVA! You can’t proofread at a fraternity.
Come on. I’m sure some of these guys are journalism majors.
I’m not sending. Go find Jake.
FORMAL INQUIRY
* * *
Ava Helmer
to Gen
Quick question: Remember winter formal sophomore year when you told Chris R. to kiss me and then he did on our way home and I didn’t realize that you could breathe through your mouth while kissing and I suffocated? Does that have to count as my first kiss?
Because I would really prefer last night to count as my first kiss. I remembered to breathe and everything.
Let me know your official opinion as the author of my future biography.
Ava
2:13 PM EST
You don’t email about kissing!
You text about kissing!
A whole hour just passed with me not knowing you’re a little slut!
I’m not a slut!
Slut is not bad. We are reclaiming the word “slut.”
I know. But I don’t think a little light kissing counts.
Ew. What is light kissing?
Minimal tongue? Lots of feelings.
Oh, boy.
I need more details but about to meet with Charlotte.
Send follow-up detailed email plz.
Tell Charlotte I say “What’s good.”
No.
LOVE, LUST & BEER PONG
* * *
Ava Helmer
to Gen
Here’s the thing. Everything that happened last night was incredibly cliché bordering on boring. If it was a scene in a movie, I would have talked shit about it for being uninspired and predictable.
But that’s part of what made it so special to me. It felt so … normal. I felt normal. Better than normal. Desired.
Gross. Gross. Scratch that from the biography.
Anyway, I showed up at ZBT around 9:30 with two girls from my pledge class, Chelsea and Emma. (Chelsea is kind of a basic bitch but she sort of knows it and doesn’t care which is weirdly refreshing. Emma is British and keeps threatening to quit Gamma Phi due to all the mandatory events. Emma is my favorite.)
Side note: Why do parties start so late? What are we all trying to prove? No one does anything interesting between 7 and 10 anyway. I’ve started to refer to this time in my life as nightly purgatory.
Oh! I forgot to tell you what I was wearing! Black jeans and that sheer pink blouse with the gold buttons. (Don’t be mad, but I wore a black tank top under it. I’m not ready to show full back yet.)
Jake was wearing a ZBT tank top and jeans. I wish I could have stricken this part from the official record. (To be fair, all the boys wear the tank top at parties. He dresses normally when he goes to the Coffee Bean.)
As soon as we get there, I spot him talking with a freshman pledge who is also in the film school. (Crit studies, I think. Nothing impressive.) I can’t tell if he’s noticed me so I stare at him a few more seconds, like a complete lunatic, until Chelsea drags me away to the drink table.
Another side note: Do I have to drink to fit in? I know that this is a pathetic thing to actually ask and all after-school specials tell you: No! Of course not! But let’s be real. Do I? Because I hate it.
I settle on a vodka/cranberry after Emma assures me no one roofied it. Apparently, I am being super paranoid about the whole roofying thing. I take a couple sips and pretend to know all the lyrics to some Katy Perry song as my friends dance.
Within twenty minutes, I have to pee. Because I am me and in addition to having the personality of a 65-year-old, I have a postmenopausal bladder. This is a problem for many reasons. I don’t know where the bathroom is, and I can only assume said bathroom is disgusting. Even for someone without my high cleanliness standards.
Basic bitch Chelsea is already grinding cheek to cheek with some senior so I beg Emma to accompany me. She does so halfheartedly (the British, am I right?) and I lose her almost immediately. But I do find Jake. Standing alone. Waiting? Maybe? For me? Probably not.
Him: Hey.
Me: Hi! Where is your bathroom?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! Do I need to immediately appear as though I have IBS? I don’t even have IBS. I would probably be cooler if I did have it, though, because people with IBS are so above being embarrassed for banal needs.
Him: Let me show you.
I know. This is all very cliché. But I did give you that disclaimer at the beginning.
He takes my hand (Oh my God!! Slow down!!) and leads me up the stairs to, you guessed it, his bedroom. The entire time I’m thinking: this is so lame and predictable. But also: HOLY SHIT! I’m in a boy’s bedro
om and … he is about to listen to me pee.
His room is connected to a bathroom. I have to lock like three doors because it’s a shared bathroom, which is basically my worst nightmare. I quickly pop a squat and pray to the pee gods that nothing other than pee comes out. (Now would be the perfect time to actually get IBS.)
I wipe after checking the toilet paper (seemed new), wash my hands, and use my shirt to open the door, since a clean hand towel would have been too good to be true.
When I come out, I see Jake on his bed. Playing guitar.
I KNOW! I WARNED YOU! THE FOLLOWING SCENE IS VOMIT INDUCING. DO NOT CONTINUE READING IF YOU HAVE AN AVERSION TO SINCERITY OR ARE RECENTLY PREGNANT.
Me: What are you playing?
Jake: An acoustic version of “Hotline Bling.”
Me: Cool.
He laughs, which I hope means he knows how ridiculous that sounds, and then pats the bed next to him. I go over and sit down, worried because my hands are still wet from lack of a clean hand towel.
Me: Sorry. My hands are still wet from a lack of a clean hand towel.
Jake: You can wipe them on my shirt.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME? This guy is so smooth.
So now I’m wiping my hands all over his shirt, when he grabs me by the wrists, looks at me for way too long to be comfortable or sexy, and says:
Jake: I’m glad you came tonight.
Me: Same.
And then we are making out!! On a bed! It was crazy! I felt like my dad was going to walk in at any moment, which was not a great thing to think about.
His tongue was warm and beer-like. For as much as I hate beer in my mouth, I like it in his.
He tried to pull my shirt up but I stopped him. I didn’t mean to stop the whole thing, I just wanted to stop the escalation, but as soon as I did that he pulled back, kissed my hand, and said: “Let’s go downstairs.”
I immediately ran into Emma and got sucked into a mess about her ex-boyfriend, even though he lives in London and my could-be boyfriend was mere feet away. Jake hung around for a second but then left to hang with his friends. I went home a few minutes later while Emma ugly-cried and said “wanker” a lot. (I love this word. Am I allowed to say it?)
So that’s it. That’s the whole thing.
HAVE I RUINED EVERYTHING?
Please advise. And try to forget that he kissed my hand. I will do the same.
Ava
Re: LOVE, LUST & BEER PONG
* * *
Gen Goldman
to Ava
Wow. I would rate this whole email NC17 (not cute unless you’re 17). And we’re 18 … so I vomited into my Moleskine.
JUST KIDDING. Everything about this seems delightfully normal. With a touch of sap. Just remember: Jake is a typical college guy who barely knows how to take care of himself. Your self-worth should not hang in the balance of his New Balances.
What’s your plan of attack? Boyfriend? Hook up? Complete avoidance? (The second one is easiest, just FYI.)
Proud of you, boo.
G
Re: LOVE, LUST & BEER PONG
* * *
Ava Helmer
to Gen
Can I have a complete breakdown of the differing strategies so I can cross-reference my attraction to the energy I want to expend?
Thanks in advance and please reply in a timely manner.
Re: LOVE, LUST & BEER PONG
* * *
Gen Goldman
to Ava
The below is in no way endorsed by the FDA as an official treatment for “Horny Girl” but is highly recommended by many teens, queens, and divorcées.
Strategy 1: Boyfriend
Ignore him for 5 days. If he contacts you in these 5 days, you can respond but never initiate contact. Never ask questions. Remain mysterious. If he doesn’t contact you, go back to his frat for a party and, this is VERY important, continue to ignore him. Talk to as many of his friends as possible while creating an illusion that you are having the best time of your young life. If he tries to talk to you, allow it, but leave early. Expect a text within 2 days. Do not agree to go over to his frat. Do not agree to do anything other than dinner. Or maybe lunch if your schedules are crazy. Wait 1 month to have sex. (DISCLAIMER: I hate this plan. It is stupid and sexist. But it also works on 95% of entitled white men.)
Strategy 2: Hook up
This is the most fun plan. Wait 3 days and then text him: “What are you doing?” REGARDLESS of what he responds, text: “Want to come over later?” Have sex. Or not. It’s your body. Continue to hook up once a week until the spark fades or one of you falls in love and convinces the other one this is “more than a hookup.” Congratulations. You have made it to the end of Strategy 1 with minimal effort. This is how you infiltrate the system from the inside. (Disclaimer: This is by far the most dangerous strategy. It can end in heartbreak. Protect yourself.)
Strategy 3: Complete avoidance
Avoid the person. Completely. (Disclaimer: This might have the opposite of the desired effect and cause said person to fall in love with you. That’s why the police invented restraining orders.)
There you go! Choose wisely. Or not at all.
Re: LOVE, LUST & BEER PONG
* * *
Ava Helmer
to Gen
I have to wait five days???? That’s so long! I don’t think I can wait that long to do anything! Can I counter with three and a half?
Re: LOVE, LUST & BEER PONG
* * *
Gen Goldman
to Ava
I see you’ve selected Strategy 1. May the odds be ever in your favor.
8:42 AM PST
I am a terrible friend!
No ur not!
Wait. Y?
Have you betrayed me?
Worse! I’ve forgotten about you!
Who do you think ur texting?
I mean I forgot to ask about you! How was the meeting with Charlotte?
Oh! Good.
Just good? Did she like the article?
Yeah. I think so.
You THINK so?
We mostly just hung out. Talked about journalism on a macro scale.
Am I allowed to say that’s gay?
No.
GAME RECOGNIZE GAME
* * *
Gen Goldman
to Ava
I don’t know how to put this politely so I will just put it: you are the craziest person I know. To be clear, I do NOT mean that as an insult. If anything, it is a testament to your extreme resilience that you’re as crazy as you are and still functioning so beautifully. After years of therapy and medication … I’m not gonna do the whole pep talk, but you get it. You’re basically an unofficial therapist.
SO! I need some semiprofessional guidance on what the fuck is going on with Molly. I can’t tell if she’s just “college girl acting out” or “young woman in trouble.” Also, I don’t know if it’s even my place to say anything since I haven’t known her for that long and we occasionally swap saliva so it’s more complicated than if she was just a friend.
I’m not a psych major (because Emerson doesn’t offer it), but the best way I can describe her behavior is manic? Not straight-up Girl, Interrupted but worrisome. She parties all weekend and then sleeps through class. If I don’t respond right away she’ll leave me a lengthy expletive-full voice mail, but by the time I call her back, she’s completely over it.
Is this normal? I know no one is “normal,” but is this worrisome? Her parents live nearby in Stoneham. Maybe I can suggest a visit there? Or will that seem like I’m trying to meet her parents because I’m secretly in love with her and want to lock her down in a patriarchal fashion? To be super clear, I have no intention of dating this person but care about her because I am a human being.
Gen
P.S. I can give you the full pep talk if you need it.
Re: GAME RECOGNIZE GAME
* * *
Ava Helmer
to Gen
Hmmmm, this is a tough one. It’s hard to help people who don’t want help. Wanting help has always been my saving grace. I practically scream: “Help me!” from the rooftops. (If you ever bother to give me the full pep talk again, make sure you include the time I told my dad, “I need to see a doctor because something inside of me is making me sad.” WHEN I WAS FOUR YEARS OLD! How has no one made a Lifetime movie about me yet?)
Is it possible that she might be a drug addict? If that’s the case, you need to contact another semiprofessional because I have no experience with anything you can’t be prescribed. (My Cymbalta is still making me sweaty, by the way. I’ve had to buy these sweat wipes for my face, but I just soak through them. It’s disgusting. I’m disgusting.)
Anyway, if it’s not a drug thing, I think you should try talking to her. Maybe open up about some of the challenges you’ve been facing since leaving home (I know you’re perfectly independent. Make something up). Then ask if she feels the same at all. Feel free to mention the emotional mess who is your best friend. People love to open up to me about their problems. I think it’s because I’m so relatable. I’m like the Sandra Bullock of mental illness.
Also, try not to hook up with her anymore. She needs a friend, not an f-buddy. Plus, promiscuity is often a side effect of mania, and you don’t want to enable unhealthy behaviors.
ALREADY I HAVE GIVEN MORE PRACTICAL ADVICE THAN MY CURRENT THERAPIST WHO IS ACTUALLY LICENSED. HOW DOES ANYONE HAVE A JOB?
Keep me updated!
XO,
A
11:14 AM EST
I overreacted.
Fifth Harmony is not the greatest band of all time?