I Hate Everyone But You Page 6
I never said that! I just said it was the greatest WOC girl group of our time.
You’re such a liar.
Whatever.
Molly is fine. She basically laughed in my face.
Have you never heard of denial?
No. Is that in Egypt?
That joke only works out loud, you moron.
What did she say?
She said she was fine. And it was cute that I was worried about her.
And then what?
And then nothing.
You both disappeared?
No …
GENEVIEVE!
I tried to be a good person. I deserved some action.
Unbelievable!
DAY 3 OF BEING TRAPPED ON THIS ISLAND
* * *
Ava Helmer
to Gen
I’m losing my mind. I can’t tell up from down. I’ve started scratching a thin line into the foot of my bed every night to keep track of the time. My best friend is a volleyball named Willis. So I can say, “Whatchu talking about, Willis?” without Tom Hanks’s attorney suing me for plagiarism.
WHY HAS HE NOT CONTACTED ME?!?!?!
Am I a bad kisser? How do I know if I am a bad kisser? I can’t even kiss you now for feedback! I HATE HAVING A GAY FRIEND.
I’m lashing out. I’m so proud of you and your gayness.
I wish I was gay.
No, I don’t.
I wish I was asexual.
Please delete this email. Preferably before you bother to read it.
Re: DAY 3 OF BEING TRAPPED ON THIS ISLAND
* * *
Gen Goldman
to Ava
How’s your spiral? Are you enjoying it? Are there lots of twists and turns that release into a pit of blackness?
I’m going to choose to ignore your latent homophobia and instead ask you this: Why would he be liking all your Instagram photos if you’re a bad kisser?
G
P.S. I’m not gay. I’m not anything. I am the darkness under your bed.
4:27 PM PST
He liked four of my photos!!!
I know.
How did you not know??
Sorority! All the girls are obligated to like each other’s photos. I’ve never had more likes in my life! It got lost.
I still found it.
Stop gloating and tell me what to do!
DM a dick pic.
Stop saying that!
Comment on his most recent photo and go to a party at his house this weekend.
His most recent photo is of a bong.
Get out now, before it’s too late.
I’m going to write: “nice.”
Scratch the comment. Just go to the party.
UR better IRL.
I’m trying to be a writer!!
NOT SO HUMBLE BRAG
* * *
Gen Goldman
to Ava
My second article hit the newsstands this morning (not the stands but the internet). It’s a hit! With our limited audience. The president of the college called over to see if she could potentially write an op-ed in response!
My editor, Kent, all but promised me a staff position next semester. He assigned me a lengthy exposé on racist graffiti inside the Paramount Theatre. (Don’t ask.)
Part of me feels like I should quit while I’m ahead and let them speak of my legend while I retire to Mexico and drink mai tais. The other part wants to keep writing until I’m the first queer female editor in chief of the NY Times.
Charlotte wants to take me out for a celebratory dinner. I’m a little shocked because she’s mostly ignored me in class this week, but maybe she doesn’t want to make it TOO obvious that I’m TA’s pet.
WHAT DO I WEAR?! I HAVE NEVER HAD TO DRESS FOR PAST SUCCESS BEFORE!
Genevieve Goldman
Future Editor in Chief, NY Times
1:32 PM PST
I’m so proud of you!!!!!!
Wear your blazer.
Yeah, right.
7:19 PM PST
I did a bad thing …
Really bad.
Like accidentally launched the missiles bad.
Freaking out.
Hello?
GREAT! NOW I’M WORRIED YOU’RE DEAD TOO!
I have nothing left.
4:27 AM EST
What happened?
7:52 AM EST
Are you OK?
Ava?
Is this revenge?
11:31 PM PST
Where were you?
Where were YOU?
I went to the gym.
Oh, good. So your body still works.
I did a bad thing.
How bad?
Strategy 2 bad.
GIRRRRRRLLLLLLL
IN NEED OF NEW STRATEGY
* * *
Ava Helmer
to Gen
So … I made an oopsie. Last night (it was really the afternoon but that sounds so pathetic) I started freaking out. I went down this weird rabbit hole where I thought maybe Jake wasn’t contacting me because he didn’t think I WANTED him to contact me. Also, I realized he didn’t have my number! How could he contact me even if he wanted to? (I know. Twitter. Instagram. Facebook. These solutions occurred to me later.)
I was spiraling, OK? So I emailed one of the guys in my screenwriting class who is pledging ZBT and asked for Jake’s number. I AM AN INSANE PERSON. Why would I do this? Because I am insane.
Exactly one hour later my friend replied with Jake’s number. It is important to note that during this time I realized that I was, say it with me, insane. But I couldn’t not contact him after overtly asking for his number. No way was Jake not going to hear about that.
I scraped the bottom of my brain for some viable reason other than extreme desperation to contact him and I came up with … Can I borrow your camera?
Before you freak out, keep in mind that I am in film school and this isn’t the weirdest request. He has a Canon 5D, which I only know because he bragged about it the night we made out in his room. (Remember that night? When I was a normal college girl instead of a psychopath?)
So I spent half an hour crafting the perfect text message that seemed flirty yet casual, business-minded yet fun, and sent it off into the ether.
Nothing. For two hours. That’s when I needed you most. (More on that later! Where the hell were you and why were you awake at 4 AM?)
And then … a reply! Not just a reply but an invitation to go over to his house so he could “teach me how to use it.” Which, honestly, is a bit condescending since I am also in film school. But, to be completely fair, I had no idea how to use it. These hands were made for typing, baby!
Fast-forward three outfit changes and a mild panic attack and I’m making my way over to ZBT, alone, at night. This was dumb for many reasons including the dangerous neighborhood. When I got to the house, there were a bunch of guys hanging out in the living room. I asked if Jake was around and they asked me which Jake and then I panicked and forgot his last name. This always happens to me in moments of extreme panic. I forgot how to pronounce Veronica during one particularly stressful middle school sleepover.
One of the guys mercifully threw out a couple of Jake options and I recognized the right one. I was told he was in his room. Then the following conversation:
NICE FRAT GUY: It’s up the stairs to the—
EVIL FRAT GUY: She knows where it is.
ME: *dies*
Why are boys so mean? Seriously? Why humiliate a perfectly nice girl for zero reason?
I went up the stairs, knocked on the WRONG door, and then finally found Jake’s ro
om after disappointing a nerd playing Magic: The Gathering, who looked at me like a pizza that got delivered early.
Jake, shirtless on his bed, strumming a guitar, smiled when he saw me. Not a big smile. But a smirk. Like, “I knew you’d be back.” My stomach turned. I’m not sure if it was in a good way.
Long story short, he never taught me how to use the camera, but I did get felt up for the first time and now I have to shoot some sort of experimental short film or else he will think I’m obsessed with him.
WHOOPS!
A
Re: IN NEED OF NEW STRATEGY
* * *
Gen Goldman
to Ava
I would give this story a B-. Far too much exposition and the third act seemed rushed.
What do you mean he felt you up?! These are the kind of details I need.
I await the rewrite.
Re: IN NEED OF NEW STRATEGY
* * *
Ava Helmer
to Gen
I’m embarrassed! The whole thing was so embarrassing! My mind kept racing and I couldn’t stop thinking about his sheets. They seemed clean, but how clean could they really be? When was the last time he washed them? Would he respect me after this? What if I needed to pee? It was all overwhelming.
What are you supposed to feel when you are hooking up? Nothing? Everything?
I stopped him from going down my pants. I want to make sure we are more of a thing before that and also I want it to be on my sheets. We fell asleep around midnight, and he walked me back to my dorm in the morning. I HAD AN OUTDOOR KISS. IN THE SUNLIGHT!
I guess my big takeaway from all of this is: WHY WERE YOU AWAKE AT 4 AM? Do not think that you can deflect your whereabouts. I am a goddamn detective.
LOVE AND ANXIETY,
Ava
Re: IN NEED OF NEW STRATEGY
* * *
Gen Goldman
to Ava
Jesus, you never let anything go, do you? Even when you’re in the throes of romantic passion.
I was out with Charlotte for a celebratory dinner. And drinks.
3:49 PM PST
Are you fucking kidding me?
Always.
When I check my email after my stupid induction rehearsal there better be an IN DEPTH email waiting for me.
I want details, Genevieve.
ALL the details.
PER YOUR REQUEST
* * *
Gen Goldman
to Ava
Request is putting it lightly. You should join the CIA. I hear all interrogation tactics are encouraged there. Regardless of basic human rights.
I don’t know what there is to say. Other than I am hooking up with my TA.
SEE! This is how you tell a story. You lead with the fucking lede.
Now that I’ve hooked you, I’ll take my time, since my editor, Kent, doesn’t give me a word count for emails:
YOUNG JOURNALIST SHOCKED BY INTEREST OF ELUSIVE, OLDER WOMAN
By Genevieve Goldman
Berkeley Beacon Staff
BOSTON—Until last night, Genevieve Goldman, 18, had only skimmed the surface of what the Sapphic world has to offer. Upon arrival at Gaslight in the South End, her luck was about to change. Ms. Goldman, a native of Los Angeles, was meeting her Emerson College Discovering Journalism teaching assistant, Charlotte Huang, 32(????), for a celebratory dinner. Ms. Huang had invited Ms. Goldman on the pretense of mentorship, as the two had grown close over Ms. Goldman’s recent investigation of a disgusting pervert who should most definitely be fired from the department of communications.
After ordering drinks, a whiskey neat for Ms. Huang and a Cherry Coke for Ms. Goldman, conversation quickly turned personal. Ms. Huang lamented a recent love affair turned sour while Ms. Goldman tried to appear cool and knowledgeable about lesbian drama (she is not). According to sociology-based social cues such as light touching and hair flipping, Ms. Huang was flirting. Ms. Goldman, not being a complete idiot according to her closest friends and family, flirted back but didn’t make any moves to advance the situation. By the end of the three-course meal (shaved beet salad, swordfish, and shared gâteau aux pommes), Ms. Goldman was reporting feelings of nausea and nerves. After a tense moment outside, Ms. Huang broke the silence with an invitation for a nightcap. At her place. This question has been documented as the singularly most successful “move” of all time.
Within 10 minutes, both women arrived at Ms. Huang’s flat, sober yet elated. Within another 10 minutes, neither were sober. They were still elated. Things escalated quickly with limited talking from either party. All specific details about the goings-on were off the record, but reports suggest there were up to four goings-on. At approximately 4:27 AM, Ms. Goldman took a reprieve from her folly to answer a text from a beloved friend, who was later revealed to have made a misjudgment in Ms. Goldman’s absence. Following the lack of reply from said friend, Ms. Goldman fell asleep in the arms of Ms. Huang, who clearly does Pilates or at least lifts light weights. The two separated late the next morning after a French-press coffee, courtesy of Ms. Huang’s adult life.
There were unconfirmed reports of canoodling outside Ms. Huang’s apartment before a red-faced Ms. Goldman made her way back to her moronic roommate and dull student life.
To contact this reporter, please send four messenger pigeons and a Big Mac to the Piano Row dormitory at Emerson College.
Re: PER YOUR REQUEST
* * *
Ava Helmer
to Gen
WHAAAAAATTTTT!!! BUT! BUT! She’s your TA! And she’s ancient! And you had Cherry Coke? Please tell me that was actually just Cherry Coke the refreshing beverage and NOT Cherry Cola the code word.
Wow. Just wow. It’s like you read a guidebook on how to have an outrageous college experience and then followed the steps.
At least she’s not married with children. Please tell me she’s not married with children.
Are you going to keep seeing her?? Is she your girlfriend? How will you act normal in class? Should you transfer to a different class? Would she get fired for this? I think she should. Not that I want her specifically to be fired, but it seems like a good policy to have in place.
This place is like Sodom and Gomorrah. Are there no rules?? No wonder that dean got hired. He could practically be Emerson’s mascot.
WOW.
Re: PER YOUR REQUEST
* * *
Gen Goldman
to Ava
Hahahaha. TBD on all of your questions. Except I don’t think she’s married. But you never know!
5:35 PM EST
I just saw a squirrel die.
WHAT?! You killed a squirrel?
I didn’t kill it!
It must have been hit by a car or something. It was freaking out and twitching.
I’m scarred for life.
Get a tattoo of the squirrel so you never forget.
Oooooo
THAT WAS A JOKE.
DO NOT GET A SQUIRREL TATTOO.
Too late
FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION
* * *
Ava Helmer
to Gen
SO! Crisis. Jake just texted me asking how my movie is going. Remember my movie? That pathetic invention of an excuse so I could reach out to a guy I later let feel me up? Well, guess what? That invention is about to become real. I can’t have any future with Jake if our entire relationship is built on a lie. So I have to make a short film AND not look like a total idiot doing so since Jake will probably ask to see it.
Screenwriting Sophia said she would help out since she’s befriended a couple of production kids and also wants to act. (All the writers want to act. All the directors want to write. The satisfaction level at this school is about zero.)
Here are some ideas. They
are rough drafts just to see if I’m heading in the right direction. Please be kind.
1) A girl loses her iPhone. She has to retrace her steps to find it and in the meantime remembers how to live life without it. (But funny. Remember that it would be funny.)
2) A boy and a girl share their first kiss but neither of them enjoys it. They then proceed into a long-term relationship due to a fear of being rude. (Again, funny.)
3) A silent film from the point of view of a squirrel. (This was inspired by you. But this squirrel doesn’t die. Because comedy. And also budget.)
Pick one. Pick none. Tell me to transfer to prelaw and fill out all my necessary paperwork.
Re: FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION
* * *
Gen Goldman
to Ava
Number 2! Also, you don’t need to make a movie to impress some guy. But you should make a movie because you are in film school and I’m sure all the kids are doing it. Maybe start a YouTube channel! Those things can blow up!
Re: FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION
* * *
Ava Helmer
to Gen
I hate YouTube. If anything, I would put it on Vimeo.
2:32 PM EST
Charlotte won’t look at me.
Really?? I’m so sorry :(
Don’t be! It’s fun!
Being ignored is fun?
Oh, yeah! Now I have something to focus on in class.
How are we friends?
BRB. Knocking a pen on the floor so she can see down my shirt.
You’re out of control.
SUCCESS
* * *
Gen Goldman
to Ava
Charlotte cornered me after class and invited me over to her place for some wine and cheese party? If this isn’t the lesbian dream, I don’t know what is. I’m supposed to see a show at the Comedy Studio with Molly tonight, but I’ll just cancel. She bails on me all the time anyway.