I Hate Everyone But You Read online

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  TO OUR PARENTS (OBVIOUSLY)

  PLEASE CONFIRM RECEIPT OF THIS MESSAGE

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  Dear Best Friend,

  It is with a heavy heart that I write the first of what I can only imagine will be hundreds of emails detailing every second of our college-bound lives. I am extraordinarily proud of you and can’t wait for the entire city of Boston to both love and fear you. Just remember that NO ONE will ever love (or fear) you like I do.

  Grow! Flourish! Experiment with things so I don’t have to. I will miss you every second of every day until you graduate a year early (hopefully) and return to me and the dry heat of the West Coast. Journalists can work anywhere, so don’t try to pull “I need to move to New York” four years from now. You know I barely survived during your summer program in Temecula.

  I can already tell that I will hate everyone but you.

  Sincerely,

  Ava Helmer

  (that brunette who won’t leave you alone)

  P.S. My mother wants to make sure you bought a winter jacket. If not, she will ship you one using Amazon Prime.

  Re: PLEASE CONFIRM RECEIPT OF THIS MESSAGE

  * * *

  Gen Goldman

  to Ava

  We’re still in the same room, you weirdo.

  Stop crying.

  G

  (the blonde who is really uncomfortable with large displays of emotion)

  11:45 AM PST

    Are you at the airport?

    Hello?

    I hope you’re at the airport because your flight takes off in 20 minutes.

    Maybe your phone is dead. I hope your phone is dead and you are not dead.

  8:51 PM EST

    Landed.

    Oh, thank God! I called your parents.

    Sry. Phone died. Charged it. Fell asleep.

    How was the flight? Do you want to come home?

    Maybe in 4–6 months?? Hit on the steward & got some free peanuts.

    Nuts are always free.

    Depends on the kind …

    Genevieve! Gross.

     Did not blow the steward in the bathroom. If only for ur sake, my precious baby angel.

    Plus he was gay.

    I have to go pick out bedding with my mother. Call me when you get to your dorm.

    I’ll text u.

    Get something stainproof.

    Just saw that. GROSS!

  YOUR REPLACEMENT

  * * *

  Gen Goldman

  to Ava

  Just kidding. Shannon could never replace you. Mostly because her parents must be mental to name her Shannon. How are the Helmers BTW? Do they miss their favorite should-have-been daughter? Your dad emailed me Boston tips from his one business trip five years ago … Apparently, the Marriott bar has KILLER chicken wings.

  Still haven’t heard from my parents. Hopefully they read my note. Can you be a runaway if you run away to a liberal arts college?

  Back to my new BFF, Shannon. I hadn’t even put my bag down before she stood up on her bed, popped open one of the ceiling tiles, and pulled out a bag of weed. I can already tell that she is going to be a lot of fun. But only when she’s high.

  Emerson isn’t really a college campus so much as two buildings and a theater. Which is perfect, because I didn’t even want to go to college. My RA says that the Boston Common (a big park) is our unofficial campus, but I’ve never seen a campus with so many meth heads.

  I already love it here. I think I would blow my brains out if I was gated in somewhere with school spirit and a football team. It barely feels like school other than the optional classes. (JK. I know class is heavily encouraged.)

  G

  P.S. Don’t be mad, but I took a Lyft to the airport. The driver was not a creep but he did hug me good-bye so it was basically the same as having a going-away party.

  Re: YOUR REPLACEMENT

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  You took a Lyft to the airport?????

  Re: YOUR REPLACEMENT

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  On second reading, the horrible saga of you going to the airport by yourself isn’t even the worst part of that email. You can’t let Shannon keep drugs in your room! Do you want to get expelled?? Because you will! I read the handbook for you.

  I’ve been nervous reading all day. I now know far too much about how to properly brew tea from some weird booklet my mom refused to throw out. I move into the dorms tomorrow. Part of me wants to get there super early and sanitize the entire room and the other part of me doesn’t want to go at all.

  I know USC is only 13.1 miles from my house, but that’s like an hour and a half in traffic.

  Is it too late to get homeschooled? Or does that not work for higher education?

  Just kidding. I’ll be fine. Or I won’t be fine and then I’ll have to drop out and live in my parents’ guesthouse until I sell my first script about living in my parents’ guesthouse.

  Thank God writers are meant to be crazy!

  Ava

  P.S. Flush the drugs. Seriously.

  Re: YOUR REPLACEMENT

  * * *

  Gen Goldman

  to Ava

  You’re not crazy. And I’m not flushing the drugs. They’re not my drugs to flush. I already snorted, ate, and mainlined all of MY drugs.

  Re: YOUR REPLACEMENT

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  I can’t believe my parents didn’t trust you for two and a half years.

  A

  P.S. What do drugs taste like? Asking for a friend.

  Re: YOUR REPLACEMENT

  * * *

  Gen Goldman

  to Ava

  Please refer to this video of Prince performing “Purple Rain”:

  http://bit.ly/purplerain

  7:14 PM PST

    I think my mom is crying.

    U can just sense it? Like a bat signal?

    My mom doesn’t cry like a regular person. She just tightens up her face until the liquid squeezes out.

    UR going to school 10 miles away

    13.1.

    You never listen to me.

  2:03 AM EST

    What was the picture you just sent? Have you been kidnapped by a blurry monster?

    Girl who looks like you.

    Why are you awake? It’s 2 AM?

    At a party. Gonna go kiss your twin to make sure it’s not u.

    It’s not
me! Cease and desist!

  2:11 AM EST

    Gen?

    That was a quick spiral into meth.

  3:35 AM EST

    Meth tastes great! Going to bed! Xoxox

  I HAVE ARRIVED

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  Do you remember the first day of freshman year (1.0) when I wore that weird sweater set and you spilled Diet Coke all over your white shirt, so I tried to give you my cardigan but you refused because only lame-ass bitches wear cardigans?

  I wish that day was happening right now instead of this one.

  My roommate, Jessica, is not very nice. And not in a I-have-a-rough-exterior-but-a-heart-of-gold Gen kind of way, but actually not nice. She asked me to take the left side of the room and then an hour later told me she wanted the left side. Which isn’t a big deal EXCEPT I had already cleaned the left side and started organizing all my plastic drawers. (I wish you would get plastic drawers, they are a life changer.)

  Jessica is a marketing major.

  I feel like no other description is necessary.

  USC feels even bigger than when I visited. The whole campus is packed with security guards, which somehow does the opposite of making me feel safe. I tried to find all my classrooms for Monday, but I ended up in four different dining halls instead.

  Yes. There are four dining halls. And they all serve the same food.

  Maybe I should go find Meghan. I know she is boring and dumb, but at least she is a familiar boring and dumb.

  The one good thing about this place is everyone seems to party all the time, so it won’t be hard to find out WHERE THE PARTY AT.

  A

  P.S. Are you dead?

  11:16 PM EST

    Abort Meghan. We just spent 4 years avoiding Meghan. Go meet new people.

    You have great hair!

    ???

    Just a confidence boost!

  ADULTING

  * * *

  Gen Goldman

  to Ava

  I was born to be an adult. Crushing this no-rules thing. Not that my house had many rules, but I felt like your mom was always watching. (What’s up, Ruth! Are you still reading Ava’s emails?!)

  Anyway. Adult parties. I guess technically they are college parties, but more than five twenty-somethings made an appearance so I think it counts as a crossover.

  Shannon took me to the baseball house in Allston, which I thought would be terrible but it’s not even a real baseball team. It’s just a bunch of guys who toss a ball around and make dinner together on Sundays. We stayed until 3 AM talking about Stop Making Sense and Spike Lee’s MJ documentary (which is basically a fluff piece).

  Shannon kind of sucks except as a conduit to fun. But I met this badass literature chick, Molly, who is basically me with shorter hair. We drank gin and tonics and laughed whenever boys would try to get us to “toss some balls around.” (Believe it or not, this pickup line ACTUALLY WORKED on Shannon.)

  Brace yourself:

  Molly is bisexual, but I guess almost everyone here is. She was wearing an unofficial Emerson T-shirt that said “Gay by May or Your Money Back.” I think she has a girlfriend. Or a boyfriend. “Charlie” could go either way. Just like everyone else at this school!

  BOOM!

  G

  Re: ADULTING

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  That was a really great joke. Setup. Punch line. Are you sure you want to write actual news and not buddy comedies with me in Screenwriting 101?

  For such a select group of young writers, most of the kids in my elite BFA program are fucking weirdos. We had an orientation, and half of my class said The Shawshank Redemption was their favorite movie. That can’t be true, right? Some of those people probably haven’t even seen that dreadful movie.

  I couldn’t pick between Little Miss Sunshine and The Sapphires. But no one had heard of The Sapphires so LMS won by default. I was worried about talking too much during the introductions so now I think I talked too little. People would just think I’m shy if I didn’t have such harsh features that make me look like a bitch.

  Am I a bitch? Does being judgmental automatically make you a bitch?

  Looking forward to your thoughts and notes.

  A

  P.S. You went to a BASEBALL party? Who are you anymore?

  Re: ADULTING

  * * *

  Gen Goldman

  to Ava

  You are NOT a bitch. You just have taste. And high cheekbones.

  Please refer to the baddest bitch in the game for assurance: NICKI MINAJ DEFENDS HER PERSONALITY & DENIES BEING A BITCH!

  Re: ADULTING

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  Oh, Nicki Minaj. Once again reminding us what it means to be a boss.

  9:42 AM PST

    Sitting in my first official college class.

    I’m the only one here.

    Do you think I’m in the wrong place?

    How early are u?

    Only 15 minutes!

    18 minutes!

    UR in the right place. UR just a nerd.

    Does no one else have panic attacks that they’re going to arrive late and ruin their lives so they overcompensate by arriving extremely early?

    I’m sure someone else does. And ull prob marry them.

    I wish!

    Someone else showed up! I’m in the right place!

    Are you sure it’s not Nick Fury about to invite you into “The Avengers”?

    Couldn’t tell ya!

  ACADEMIA

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  Day one complete! So far I have learned … nothing! Intro to Screenwriting was basically an extension of that uncomfortable orientation, and Symbols and Conceptual Systems 101 was even more confusing than its name. I’m starting to think the entire Thematic Option Honors program is just an excuse to keep the loser kids away from the jocks in regular GEs to avoid physical assault lawsuits. (Yes, I am calling myself a loser. Which is OK because in five or six years losers will be cool. At least in LA.)

  I can’t believe I only have two classes in an entire day! What am I supposed to do with the rest of this time? I’m used to six classes, one study hall, and a night of extracurriculars and homework. I don’t do well with this much free time. I need structure. I should have signed up for 20 credits. Scratch that, I should have failed senior year and gone back to SMHS.

  How was your first day? Did you uncover further corruption in the Catholic Church? Spotlight is begging for a sequel.

  I am so bored. It’s my first week of college and I’m already bored. Maybe I’ll go home this weekend? My dad probably needs a tennis partner.

  Your tiresome friend,

  A

  P.S. I think college might be a pyramid scheme. Think about it.

  Re: ACADEMIA

  * * *

  Gen Goldman

  to Ava

  Glad to hear you are having such a great time! Make sure you pick up a book in between all those shots of Patron.

  You’re not boring. You’re guarded and unusual and a little bit unbalanced, but you’re not boring. I’m not BFF with boring people. It would ruin my highly crafted Tumblr brand.

  Do you know who IS boring? Shannon. She’s already obsessed with that guy from the baseball house and wants us to go back tonight. I can only handle so much hypermasculinity masquerading as heterosexuality.

  My classes were fine. I think. Slept through part of Earth Science: Natural Disasters. I already know that humans survive. Unfortunately.

  Don’t go home this weekend. That’s like admitting defeat before the Hulk even breaks your heart, Black Widow. (UGH. I hate
d that story line.)

  Listen. I know that no one will ever compare to me, but try to make a new friend. Even if it’s just to suck their blood.

  Don’t want to destroy you, but your dad has plenty of tennis partners. I know all about them from that one time he drove me to the DMV. Stan is the best player but Mark is the most consistent.

  HUGS AND KISSES AND FEMINISM,

  G

  Re: ACADEMIA

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  Mark’s second serve is complete shit.

  12:07PM PST

    Can I sit with total strangers in the dining hall without looking like an idiot?

    Week 3? No. Week 1? Sure.

    Hot blondes or nerdy engineering students?

    Engineers. Think long term.

    Wish me luck.

    Sending you empowerment instead.

    Would prefer luck.

  1:13PM PST

    I might have made friends!

    Ask them to build you a bridge. Then you’ll know for sure.

    I went with the blondes.

    Pussy.

  THIS IS NOT A DRILL

  * * *

  Gen Goldman

  to Ava

  I did cocaine.

  Before you freak out (!), please read the rest of this email and remember that I must be fine because I have the capacity to write this email.

  It all started at the … baseball house. Yes, I went back again. Mostly as an exercise in boredom and to get Shannon out of our room. I figured I would drop her off with Mike the meaty outfielder and return to catch up on The 100. But, much like my horoscope predicted, Saturn was providing returns.