I Hate Everyone But You Read online

  As soon as I entered the house, and recoiled from weed-infused BO, I saw Molly. (ICYMI, Molly is that hot bisexual girl from the first bball party.) She was already drunk and making fun of all the boys’ tight pants. And I quote: “Obviously male sports is just a socially acceptable way for males to exhibit homosexual tendencies without repercussions.” Most of the guys laughed it off (two of them even kissed), but Shannon’s jerk Mike wasn’t having it.

  Molly was going to another party anyway, so we left together.

  I thought I had been to parties before. Birthday parties. Bar mitzvahs. That weird lunch when your mom was elected PTA president.

  I was wrong. THIS was a PAR-T.

  We took the train to the South End (think WeHo) and walked a few blocks to this graduate student’s apartment. Graduate students are the shit because they’re stunted enough to stay students but mature enough to know how to buy drugs and not get arrested.

  Molly knew everyone there, confirming my suspicions that she is the coolest person at Emerson. Which is a true accomplishment considering the co-creator of Friends is a professor. (Working on getting you an autograph.)

  I think I finally found my people. You are my person, but these are MY PEOPLE. I think everyone there had already had sex with each other. Not at once, but MAYBE at once??

  The guys acted like girls and the girls acted like they hated the guys. It was the best.

  Anyway. Back to the drugs. Since I’m sure you did a CTRL + F as soon as you opened this.

  Molly was in a bit of a mood from the beginning. I think that boy/girl Charlie was blowing her off, so she wanted to have fun regardless of her mental state. Apparently, cocaine has this magical ability to override all feelings. I think that must be why people are addicted to it;)

  After two shots of vodka, Molly wanted more. Not more shots. Thank God. Vodka is terrible. You would hate it. It tastes like nail polish remover smells.

  Anywayyyyyy. I’m talking to this guy about self-driving cars (they’re happening, FYI) when Molly appears with this grin on her face. She wants to go to the bathroom. Together. Cue PERKS OF BEING A WALLFLOWER MUSIC.

  We patiently wait in this long line so we can do our coke like polite people. But when we finally get inside, the last thing we want to do is inhale. (Classic Gen poop joke! I will never outgrow these.) We were still committed to the cocaine. Actually, I don’t know if I was committed or just going with the flow. Molly could have pulled out two Ring Pops and I would have been equally down.

  But it wasn’t Ring Pops. It was cocaine, and Molly spread it out on the counter delicately, perfectly dividing it with her student ID. It was very sweet. She then asked me for a dollar bill because we are lit but not like fifty-dollar-bill cocaine lit. Yet.

  She went first and then I dive-bombed into a life of seedy glamour. I think I am now addicted to cocaine and will proceed to use all of my life’s saving to procure more of it even if I have to sell my body.

  JUST KIDDING. It sucked.

  It didn’t suck, but it wasn’t much of anything. My teeth felt numb and I couldn’t go to bed until 5. I talked a bit faster but I wasn’t any smarter.

  Overall, I would give cocaine 2 stars.

  Gen

  P.S. I looked it up and the cocaine import business is awful. I am now a cocaine conscientious objector.

  7:32 AM PST

    Call me.

    GEN!!

  Re: THIS IS NOT A DRILL

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  I can’t believe you didn’t answer my four calls. Either you are in class or too ashamed of your hooligan actions to face me.

  Also, are you insane? Emerson is clearly reading your emails and now they have proof that you’ve snorted Cherry Cola. (This is a code word.)

  Why are you doing this? Is this a cry for help?

  I knew your dysfunctional family was going to have a long-term impact on your life, but I thought it wouldn’t become apparent until later when you’d already made a name for yourself at some journal and had a small nest egg. (Remember to invest. Otherwise your money is just sitting around.)

  To be fair, I called you the first three times before I finished reading the email and still thought you were a blossoming addict. Now I am a bit calmer, but DON’T FOR ONE SECOND THINK YOU CAN PULL THIS SHIT AGAIN! Cherry Cola is dangerous! Your mind is a precious vessel that carries all of my most favorite thoughts and feelings. You must protect it at all costs.

  Do whatever you want with your body.

  A

  Re: THIS IS NOT A DRILL

  * * *

  Gen Goldman

  to Ava

  Hahahahahahahahahahaha

  No one is reading my emails. And we joke about drugs all the time. #meth

  Re: THIS IS NOT A DRILL

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  It’s almost like you didn’t make me watch the Edward Snowden documentary four times.

  Re: THIS IS NOT A DRILL

  * * *

  Gen Goldman

  to Ava

  #celebritycrush

  2:34 PM PST

    I almost beat my dad. 4–6!

    You went home????

    My parents needed me. I’m the glue that holds them together.

    Also my dorm’s laundry room makes my clothes dirtier.

    So send your clothes out! And make out on a washer!

    With who? Myself?

    Love URself.

    I’d rather go home.

    Hard to masturbate there. Fo sho.

  10:17 PM EST

    Creep alert!

    I was just liking your photos! You don’t want me to like your photos?!

    No! Not that!

    Please like all my photos.

    I ran into Grabby Igor.

    Nooooooooooo

    Did he grab you?

    Almost immediately.

    He’s a sophomore at BU.

    He has a GF.

    WHAT!

    You have to save her! She must be brainwashed!

    I tried to give her signals (wink once for help, wink twice for Mace), but she seemed to actually like him?????

    Grabby Igor has a girlfriend and I’m at home with my parents.

    You CHOSE to be at home with your parents.

    Go grab someone.

    Maybe.

  CRAZY IDEA

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  I think I must be losing my mind (again, I know), but what would you say if I tried to join a sorority?

  Actually. I know what you’ll say. So I have prepared a rebuttal. With the dual purpose of simultaneously convincing myself that this is not my worst idea since joining that middle-age pottery class.

  1) Gross

  a. Yes. The very idea of a sorority is gross. Paying for friends. Reinforcing the gender binary. Heels. BUT isn’t feminism about reclaiming our lives and supporting each other? Isn’t a sorority the original safe space?

  2) The people

  a. Again, yes. Most sorority girls are stereotypically vapid or, worse, pretending to be vapid. But USC has such a strong Greek culture that basically everyone here is rushing and not everyone can be a complete loser. Right?? Statistically that can’t be possible.

  b. Elizabeth Banks, Lucy Liu, and Julia Louis-Dreyfus were all in sororities! (Thanks, BuzzFeed.)

  3) The mandatory parties

  a. Right. The parties. This is the hardest thing for me to wrap my brain around, but I think I need to start viewing my social life as a requirement instead of an option. Being part of a house will give me a weird structure whereby I know what parties to attend, when to attend them, and who to attend them with. If any of the socials have ice
cream it almost seems bearable!

  4) It’s a sorority

  a. Right. Please see above.

  In other news, Jessica had sex in our room last Thursday while I was also in the room. That’s the real reason I went home. I was just too mortified to say it or type it until this moment.

  I HEARD SEX! IT SOUNDS WEIRD!

  Ava

  Re: CRAZY IDEA

  * * *

  Gen Goldman

  to Ava

  Did you watch? I bet you watched.

  Congrats on your first threesome.

  Re: CRAZY IDEA

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  That’s all you took from my email????

  Re: CRAZY IDEA

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  AND EVERYTHING I SAW WAS AGAINST MY WILL.

  Re: CRAZY IDEA

  * * *

  Gen Goldman

  to Ava

  You’ll be fine. I once saw my mom going down on my dad, and I’m still around to talk about it. (The cocaine addiction helps.)

  I was mulling over my response regarding this “hypothetical sorority.”

  I think you should do it. If you hate it, you’ll quit. And if you love it, we have to stop being friends. But you won’t even notice because you’ll be so immersed in the sisterhood.

  Kappa Alpha Puke!

  I’m proud of you.

  G

  P.S. Don’t let them circle your fat with a Sharpie.

  Re: CRAZY IDEA

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  Really? That’s it? I’m not going to have to convince you with a series of long emails, GIFs, and links to The House Bunny?

  I’m starting to think you don’t care about me anymore.

  Re: CRAZY IDEA

  * * *

  Gen Goldman

  to Ava

  New email. Who dis?

  Re: CRAZY IDEA

  * * *

  Gen Goldman

  to Ava

  JK TIMES 1,000!

  I DO care about you. That’s why I want you to go out there and make mistakes. (Like joining a sorority.)

  I want hot pics from your fall mixer.

  Re: CRAZY IDEA

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  You’re bad at being supportive.

  6:12 PM EST

    Send me that paper you wrote last year on “Gender Politics in Soviet Russia.”

    Why?

    I’m gonna turn it in.

    Go away.

  SOS

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  Just had my first therapy session. USC gave me a therapist in training. I’ve been in therapy longer than she has been a therapist.

  OY

  Re: SOS

  * * *

  Gen Goldman

  to Ava

  Did you give her your streamlined “This is what is wrong with me and this is how we have to fix it”?

  Re: SOS

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  Yes. And she just nodded. Looks like I’m going to have to therapize myself.

  POOF! I’m no longer afraid of dirt or consumed with obsessive thoughts!

  I’m pretty much an X-Man.

  Re: SOS

  * * *

  Gen Goldman

  to Ava

  It’s X-MEN.

  Congrats on such a speedy recovery.

  4:37 PM EST

    How can you tell if someone is hitting on you?

    HA! You sent this to Ava.

    I know. But I need help. This TA asked me to come to her office hours.

    You are in school. That is a normal thing. Send a smoke signal if she invites you to her bedroom.

    Copy.

    Did you already fail something?

    TBD.

  OLDER WOMEN

  * * *

  Gen Goldman

  to Ava

  Is there a time machine available for private use? I know I should probably use it to kill Hitler or something, but I sort of just want to blast forward into my late 20s. Maybe even 30 if I don’t get crow’s feet.

  Charlotte (my TA) is a goddess. I can’t pin her exact age, but it’s somewhere past caring what people think and a few years before being completely out of touch with current music. She works nights at the Globe news desk and has her own police radio. Basically a real-life superhero.

  Turns out, I am not failing anything. I am doing the opposite of failing. I am standing out. Which is extra hard since most of my classmates have neon hair.

  Charlotte called me into her office to tell me I should start writing for the Beacon (school newspaper). She was the editor in chief during her undergrad and apparently, “Classes are for parents. The Beacon is for journalists.”

  The first meeting of the year is tonight. I’m going to wear a blazer and not smile once. Charlotte said she would copyedit my first few assignments. Just so I don’t make a complete ass of myself.

  Finally someone around here appreciates my God-given gift for the written word.

  MEEP!

  G

  P.S. Please do not point out my embargo on extracurricular activities. This counts more like an internship. With actual bylines your mom can print out.

  Re: OLDER WOMEN

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  As I live and breathe, Genevieve Goldman has become a company man! Congratulations on having a goal and following through with it! (Maybe I shouldn’t jinx it. Not exactly sure what time the meeting is.)

  I think writing for the Beacon (established 1881 with notable alums including Thomas Jefferson and Genevieve Goldman) is a great idea! It’s so important for you to be involved in something other than drugs.

  Charlotte sounds like the perfect kind of arrogant to be a good mentor. Just don’t overstay your welcome during those office hours. She probably has a lot of older woman stuff to do, like moisturizing her elbows.

  Re: OLDER WOMEN

  * * *

  Gen Goldman

  to Ava

  Do people really moisturize their elbows?

  Re: OLDER WOMEN

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  Oh, yeah! Moisture is the first line of defense against aging! That’s why I’m always so slippery.

  7:42 PM EST

    There are only 3 women on staff here.

    One is the lifestyle editor and the other 2 are copy editors.

    Are you going to strike?

    Not yet. Have to infiltrate from the inside first. And buy a hat.

    Why a hat?

    NEWSIES

    G2G

    Seize the day!

    Number disconnected.

  5:29 PM PST

    Did you get the photo?

    Which one? You sent 12.

    I’m panicking.

    Can I pull off yellow? Or do I look like a ghost?

    Imagine if you were a ghost this whole time. That would be so cool.

    GEN! My first rush event is in one hour! Now is not the time!

    The red dress. Lucky photo number 7.

    THANK YOU.

    I knew it.

  GO GREEK!

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  Imagine fifty blond girls singing “hello” to you while you’re ushered into a mini-mansion s
urrounded by twenty other overwhelmed freshmen and one sophomore who couldn’t get into a house last year.

  BECAUSE THAT WAS MY DAY.

  And to think I had social anxiety before.

  The best way I could describe rushing is a mixture of speed dating and job interviews. (Not that I have ever done either really.)

  The girls talk to you as a group and then you get broken up into duos where you have to act like being a Kappa Kappa Gamma has been your dream since childhood even though you just learned the name Kappa Kappa Gamma two hours ago.

  The entire concept is elitist and hierarchical and I MUST GET IN. I know. It’s pathetic. But that’s just human nature. As soon as you are told something is hard to get, you want it more. Like when you wanted to date Joel Simpson even though he was SUPER gay.

  I don’t think I made a complete fool of myself, but it’s impossible to tell because all the girls were smiling the whole time. Yes. The entire time. I think they must do some sort of cheek exercise during prerush week. Yes. That is a thing. I can only imagine that it involves a lot of dieting and hand-holding.

  Anyway. I went to five of the ten houses today. I do the second half tomorrow. And then I put down my top five choices and they put down their top choices and then maybe there is some crossover? If not, I get stuck going to the shitty houses, which will lead to a lifetime of shame and regret. I know it’s 2017, but if I don’t get called back to Delta Gamma at least once, I’m going to yell anti-Semitism.

  My head is spinning. It’s like college applications all over again but compacted into one day without the luxury of hiding behind your computer screen.

  What if no one picks me at all? I’ll be fine if I don’t make it into the best house by the end or end up with my third choice, but what if I don’t even get into the second round??? I asked my rush adviser if this is possible and she said it’s never happened before.