I Hate Everyone But You Read online

  Until now.

  Ava

  Re: GO GREEK!

  * * *

  Gen Goldman

  to Ava

  Remember when you thought you weren’t going to get into USC?

  Remember when you thought you weren’t going to get into the film school at USC?

  Remember when you thought you weren’t going to get into a stupid f-ing sorority at USC?

  If you have short-term memory loss, will you tell me?

  Any one of these faux sisterhoods would be lucky to have you. And if they can’t see that IMMEDIATELY, they will regret it when you’re accepting an Oscar for best original screenplay about a sorority that’s secretly a terrorist cell. (That’s good! You can use that.)

  Take a deep breath. Loofah all your anxiety away and remember that every awful moment becomes a great story later.

  ALSO, you have the benefit of fictionalizing your life. I just report the news.

  11:39 PM EST

    How’s it going?

    My mouth hurts.

    From smiling? Or sucking D?

    Why would I have to “suck D” to get into a sorority full of women?

    Gender is not confined to sex organs.

    Have you learned nothing from me?

    I’ve been rushing for two days and I’m already dumber.

  FUCK ME

  * * *

  Gen Goldman

  to Ava

  So, I’m sorry to throw this at you during what I can only imagine is a tumultuous time where women sit around and judge you on shallow aspects of your looks and personality, but I am officially in crisis.

  I got my first assignment for the news desk and … It’s not pretty. There’s a new dean of communications. My editor, Kent, told me to call him up and write a fluff piece. He didn’t say “fluff piece,” but that’s basically the same as “profile.” But then I open up my stupid laptop, because you’ve turned me into an overachiever, and I Google the guy. That’s it. That’s all I do. A quick Google. To see if maybe he plays the ukulele? Or some other innocent hobby I can put in the profile.

  What comes up?

  A SEXUAL HARASSMENT LAWSUIT

  That’s right! The guy was booted from his last job for groping a student, and my dumb-ass college hired him.

  Does our HR department never get to the third page of Google?

  So now I have to decide if I should be a whistle-blower or not. Should I ask this creep about the lawsuit, or should I focus on the ukulele?

  HELP!

  Did I mention that the interview is in 1 hour?

  Re: FUCK ME

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  While I love that you come to me for advice and guidance, maybe you should be asking your editor these questions instead?

  Also, ew. The real world is awful.

  Re: FUCK ME

  * * *

  Gen Goldman

  to Ava

  YOU’RE A GENIUS.

  P.S. I might have thrown up.

  Re: FUCK ME

  * * *

  Gen Goldman

  to Ava

  UPDATE! This is my Watergate.

  My editor, Kent, started whooping when I showed him the article. Apparently nothing interesting has happened on this campus since the theater school put on Miss Saigon with all white kids.

  They want me to go about the interview as though it’s a standard fluff piece (this time Kent, my editor, actually said “fluff piece”) and then BAM. Hit him with the lawsuit question.

  I’m freaking out but I think in a good way.

  Will report back. (See what I did there?)

  Genevieve Goldman

  Investigative Journalist

  Re: FUCK ME

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  Remember me when you’re giving TED Talks.

  Re: FUCK ME

  * * *

  Gen Goldman

  to Ava

  Holy shit. He freaked out. He started denying everything and called the girl a hussy. A HUSSY. Can you believe it? I’m basically Rachel Maddow right now, and the year is 1955.

  Kent, my editor, wants the entire article to be a take-down piece attacking our administration for allowing a known predator among female students. 500 words. On the cover. Maybe more on the website.

  I’m gonna ask Charlotte for help. It’s due in 2 days.

  Pray for me.

  Re: FUCK ME

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  I just prayed to every “known” entity. But you don’t need organized religion. You just need you!

  I’m crying a little bit. I’m either really proud or really hungry.

  10:14 AM PST

    What’s a good song to listen to when you’re depressed but don’t like sad music?

    “Fuck You” by Lily Allen.

    You OK?

    TBD.

  THE COMPLETE MORTIFICATION OF AVA HELMER (1999–PRESENT)

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  1) Birth. I poop inside my mom’s womb. I obviously don’t remember this. But I do remember all the times my mom talked about it at family events.

  2) Kindergarten. I try to sit on the teacher’s lap during naptime. She tells me that is inappropriate. In front of the entire class.

  3) Third grade. Becky Olsberg and Laura Jenner invite me over for a playdate. We share secrets. I confess that sometimes I eat flowers. They tell everyone that I am secretly a horse trapped in a girl’s body.

  4) All of middle school.

  5) Jordan F. asks me to come over to his house to ask me about you. (Did I ever tell you this? I knew you hated Jordan F. so I might have kept that as a silent shame until now. Oh, no. What if you DIDN’T hate Jordan F. and I ruined your one shot at true happiness as well as any chance of you staying in California for college? He goes to Stanford. I love him so much.)

  6) Prom. You remember.

  7) Day 3 of rushing. When I find out that only 3 of 10 houses want me back. EVEN THOUGH THE AVERAGE IS 7! Only getting asked back to 3 houses in the second round is unheard of. I’m mortified.

  a. One of those houses, Pi Phi, is like the COOLEST house on campus, so they have obviously just invited me back to be nice. Or as a cruel joke. (Please refer to #3 above.)

  I don’t even want to go back to rush. If I do, I’ll feel like I’m asking for it. (Not sexually; I know women can’t actually do that.)

  I want to cry, but stupid Jessica won’t leave the room!

  A dead person, formerly known as Ava Beth Helmer

  P.S. I’m already crying. Just really softly.

  Re: THE COMPLETE MORTIFICATION OF AVA HELMER (1999–PRESENT)

  * * *

  Gen Goldman

  to Ava

  Are you kidding me???? I could have been married to Jordan F. by now?

  My last name could have been Facker?

  I’m never speaking to you again after this utter betrayal.

  Re: THE COMPLETE MORTIFICATION OF AVA HELMER (1999–PRESENT)

  * * *

  Gen Goldman

  to Ava

  JK JK. You told me about that Jordan F. thing immediately after it happened. You cried on the way home and I bought you fro-yo. Honestly, I’m the most hurt you don’t remember the fro-yo. I asked for whipped cream and everything.

  Take a deep breath and remember: college students are idiots. You wouldn’t trust these girls to make you a coffee, why would you trust their character assessment?

  Also, you got asked back to 3 houses! And 1 is cool?! Which is a shock to me because I assumed all sororities are inherently UNCOOL!

  Maybe this Pi
e Phi house is the coolest because they have the smartest girls, and those smart girls are about to see how insanely awesome you are. Ever thought of that? Harry Potter was rejected 8 times before Bloomsbury published one of the greatest gifts to Muggle kind.

  Never give up. Never surrender.

  (Unless you realize sororities are lame and YOU don’t want to be a part of THEM.)

  Gen

  P.S. Now I really want fro-yo.

  Re: THE COMPLETE MORTIFICATION OF AVA HELMER (1999–PRESENT)

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  I just found out that Jessica was rejected from Pi Phi. This somehow makes me feel better.

  I am a bad person.

  But a bad person who wasn’t rejected from Pi Phi. (Yet.)

  A

  8:52 PM EST

    Did you know that they make vinegar pie?

    And avocado pie?

    I would stay away from green grape pie. Seems like a choking hazard.

    …

    Some conversation topics if you run out of things to say at the pie house.

    You are not helping.

    I love pie!!!!!!!!!!

  I AM NOT WORTHY

  * * *

  Gen Goldman

  to Ava

  Have I mentioned that Charlotte is a goddess? I emailed her my first draft of the article and she completely tore it to shreds. I went to her apartment to go over the edits and realized that I know absolutely nothing about writing a good story.

  I buried the fucking lede! Even Midwestern moms know not to do that!

  Her vocabulary is insane. Also, word flow. Who knew how much that mattered? I thought reporting was all fact, period, fact, period. NOT THE CASE. She gave me a book by Adrian Nicole LeBlanc that reads like fiction. I’ll be an artist yet!

  I spent 2 hours with her. Redlining. It felt like 5 minutes.

  I think this article might be really good. Like good enough to get me in trouble. And maybe a spot on the staff. Waiting to hear back from my editor, Kent. But I’ll be shocked if he doesn’t love it. It’s insanely provocative.

  Did you know you can use wine corks to make a vision board? Well, you can. And it looks awesome.

  Charlotte = goddess

  G

  Re: I AM NOT WORTHY

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  I get it. You hate Charlotte.

  I can’t wait to read this thing! I hope it brings down the entire establishment and Emerson folds and you move home and attend USC’s prestigious Annenberg School for Communication and Journalism.

  Couple of things.

  1) Why did you go to her apartment? Is that allowed? Seems weird. Especially the vision board.

  2) I know your editor is named Kent. But you can keep referring to him as your editor, Kent, if it makes you feel cool.

  SO PROUD! My little rebel is growing up.

  Ava

  9:24 AM EST

    Greetings from inside my Earth Science teacher’s bathroom. Taking a shower.

    I can’t tell if you’re joking.

    Emerson is VERY liberal.

    Ooooooo! A loofah!

    Picture or it didn’t happen.

    DrOPeD PhONe iN WaTEr.

    CaN NOt CoMpUTe.

  ROUND TWO BITCHES

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  Do I sound like a Pi Phi yet? Don’t worry. None of them actually talk like that. Or if some of them do, they’re kept in the back during rush.

  Got the results from round two and ALL three houses asked me back! I’m officially caught up! You’re allowed a maximum of three houses for Sisterhood Day. (Remember that month I ignored your obsession with Fuller House? Please do me the same courtesy with Sisterhood Day.)

  I feel high. Or what I imagine high to feel like. God damn, it feels good to be wanted. (In a nonsexual way, by a bunch of college girls who love to DIY.)

  In related news, I think I have made an actual film school friend. Her name is Sophia and she’s in my Introduction to Cinema class. Her mom is from Portugal and her dad is from Mexico but she grew up in New York, which already makes her 100 times more interesting than me. She wants to write international thrillers, so already I don’t understand our blossoming friendship. I think she might be one of those people who say “You’re funny” without actually laughing. Her boyfriend is at NYU so I think she is bored and lonely. I can relate to bored and lonely! We’ve already eaten lunch together three times and one dinner followed by a movie. I don’t want to count my chickens before they hatch, but I think she likes me.

  If I believed in bullshit astrology, I’d think Mercury was in retrograde or something!

  Ava

  Re: ROUND TWO BITCHES

  * * *

  Gen Goldman

  to Ava

  Mercury in retrograde is a bad thing. I think the phenomenon you’re thinking of is caused by Saturn returning. Though it’s a bit early for that. According to all the bullshit I very much believe in.

  This is all great news! And just days after “The Complete Mortification of Ava Helmer (1999–Present)”! I knew it was too early to publish! You have so much life and mortification ahead!

  Maybe one day a small baby will shit inside YOU!

  Sophia sounds cool? I don’t like people who don’t laugh. What are they hiding? Other than a really obnoxious laugh?

  I do like people who grew up in NYC. She can continue to give you that dose of edge that you are missing now that I’m gone. What’s the deal with the BF? Are they open? Everyone at Emerson is open. It’s wild. But makes a lot of biological sense.

  Too bad Patrick insisted on monogamy for those two months we “dated” junior year. I could have had a lot of fun with his teammates.

  Going out with Molly again tonight. Will try my best not to get high on Cherry Cola.

  XOXO & EQUALITY.

  Gen

  8:59 PM PST

    What’s 24 times 57?

    I have no fucking idea.

    Good. A high-on-Cherry-Cola Gen would have just guessed.

    Be safe!

    1,743

  LIKE A CHIC-A-CHERRY COLA

  * * *

  Gen Goldman

  to Ava

  Greetings from the ER. My stomach was successfully pumped. Most of my brain cells should return in the next 7–8 years. Or did they say months? Too damaged to remember.

  Did you believe that at all? Probably for a second. Or, knowing you, you still believe it and are calling all the ERs in the Boston area.

  To recap: I’m fine. Molly and I got a little drunk and silly, but other than that it was an early night. Shannon was out with an infielder to make that outfielder jealous, so we just came back to my room around midnight to watch Doctor Who. She had never seen it before so I showed her “Vincent and the Doctor.”

  We both cried.

  Re: LIKE A CHIC-A-CHERRY COLA

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  She had never seen Doctor Who before?? I thought we liked this girl.

  Remember last summer when you made me watch the entire reboot? I don’t. Because I was asleep.

  I’m glad that your dalliance into hard cola has finished. Now you still have war stories but all of your teeth.

  In Greek news, I just found out I’m still in the running for house of pies! Today is the last event (Preference Day) and then tomorrow we get our bids. There is a rumor that all the fraternity boys hold up signs to rank our attractiveness as we run to our new house, but I have to assume that started from some teen comedy and not real life. (PLEASE LET ME GET ABOVE A 6!)

  Sophia from screenwriting thinks sororities are dumb, which honestly makes me li
ke her more.

  Go, Trojans! (Just testing it out. I hear football games are mandatory.)

  Ava

  9:01 PM EST

    Kent, my aforementioned editor, LOVES the story. It’s going front page tomorrow!

    Send me the link!

  MY LAST WILL AND TESTEMENT

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  I will never eat a slice of pie again. Which will probably be easy since I plan to take my own life. (I know you’ve said that formerly suicidal teens aren’t allowed to make suicide jokes, but fuck you, this is all I have.)

  Spoiler alert: I DIDN’T GET INTO PI PHI.

  I received a bid from stupid Gamma Phi instead. Which is like the second to worst house on the row.

  I’m honestly embarrassed to ask my parents to pay for such lame friends.

  10:42 PM EST

    Still alive?

    For now.

    Gamma Phi. Pi Phi. Seems pretty similar.

    You don’t understand. They’re all losers.

    How?

    They’re lame.

    But why?

    BECAUSE THEY’RE LOSERS

    Ava.

    I’M A LOSER NOW TOO

    Awwwww

    You were always a loser.

    The votes hadn’t been officially tallied.

    You’re crazy.

    Call me whenever my nonclassist best friend returns.

    SEE YOU NEVER

  MEA CULPA

  * * *

  Ava Helmer