I Hate Everyone But You Read online

  to Gen

  Hi. This is your former best friend, Ava, who briefly lost her mind yesterday and turned into a horrible judgmental monster. The original Ava is back, albeit ashamed.

  I’m not going to say that the girls in Gamma Phi aren’t losers, but I will apologize for calling them that. So aggressively. In all caps.

  I decided to attend Bid Night mostly because I wanted to save face in front of Jessica, who got into Kappa, which was her first choice the whole time. (Roommates are the worst.)

  I showed up at the house and everyone was so goddamn excited. They must have had short-term memory loss, because I guarantee at least half of them wanted a bid from a different house an hour ago. Anyway, I felt like I had to fake it too, and within 30 minutes I had tricked myself into feeling something close to happiness. (I think this must be how sororities work. Fake smiles/behavioral conditioning/Stockholm syndrome.)

  We were all given identical tank tops and told to put them on. Even though I’d been wearing a long-sleeved shirt because the desert is cold at night. I had to stuff my shirt in my purse and walk around with that ridiculous blue bra you made me buy showing.

  After so many hugs with people I was not ready to touch, the partying began. Not at the house, because you can’t party at sororities, but at our brother fraternity, ZBT. (I can’t believe I just said OUR. The Kool-Aid goes down quick.)

  We arrived at ZBT to a line of freshman pledges handing out tropical punch and leis. The party had a jungle theme and probably at least one case of date rape. (I’m joking. I hope.)

  I didn’t take the punch because, obviously, but I did take a beer, since it comes sealed.

  It. Was. Awful. How do people drink more than one of them at a time? DISGUSTING.

  Overall, it was an experience. A bona fide college experience. I even stayed past midnight. (12:05 to be exact.)

  I would rate the night 3 out of 5 stars.

  I hope you can forgive me and see that I have changed. Or changed back.

  Ava

  P.S. I met a cute boy and we talked alone for 20 minutes but it probably meant nothing.

  Re: MEA CULPA

  * * *

  Gen Goldman

  to Ava

  WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT BURYING THE LEDE?!

  Who is the boy?? How cute is he??? What does his dick look like??

  If you don’t answer two of those questions I will never forgive you for turning into Regina George yesterday.

  I’m glad you’re giving the losers a second chance. Imagine if I hadn’t given you one;)

  Also: “New Dean of Communications Failed to Communicate His Past”

  G

  DEAR MISS CAPOTE

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  Your article was … AMAZING. So biting yet objective. I felt like I was presented with facts and then left to draw my own conclusion. The conclusion being: this guy needs to get fired!

  OH MY GOD! Imagine if you get that guy fired. That would be so impressive. I think I would pass out from the guilt, but you have a better constitution than me.

  Wow! Just wow!

  “It brings into question the great lengths the administration goes to selecting its student body versus the lax vetting of its faculty.”

  BOOYAH!

  I’m sending it to my entire family. Your parents will want to read it too. (I hope. I never know what to expect from them.)

  You deserve an award. I’ll look for one on Etsy.

  Your secret admirer,

  Ava

  Re: DEAR MISS CAPOTE

  * * *

  Gen Goldman

  to Ava

  TELL ME ABOUT THE BOY BEFORE I STRANGLE YOU.

  Re: DEAR MISS CAPOTE

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  Hahahaha

  Sorry. I don’t know what to say because I don’t know if the entire thing was in my head. I guess I will start by setting the scene.

  Did I mention I’m currently in Screenwriting 101?

  The night: black. The stars: I’m not sure. We were inside.

  I was sort of hanging back, taking it all in, possibly planning an escape, when the guy, Jake, started talking to me. Apparently he’s a sophomore production major who recognized me from the film school Coffee Bean.

  Is it insane that this is the most flattered I have EVER been? I mean it’s not an inherently good thing to be recognized. I recognize awful people all of the time, but he probably wouldn’t have talked to me if he recognized me for being awful, right?

  I think the conversation went well? It was pretty standard. Where you from? What do you like to watch? Will you have my baby? (I think I just implied the last thing with my eyes.)

  I don’t know. I don’t know how to interpret boy stuff without you watching it and interpreting it for me.

  Although, come to think of it, none of your interpretations have been particularly helpful either.

  I must be a lost cause.

  Don’t look for me.

  Re: DEAR MISS CAPOTE

  * * *

  Gen Goldman

  to Ava

  That got dark. REAL fast.

  I need more details. How did the conversation end? What is his Instagram?

  Re: DEAR MISS CAPOTE

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  I don’t know his Instagram. Or his last name. Night ended with him being called off to play beer pong by one of his brothers. He told me to watch, but I said I had to go home because I need a lot of sleep to maintain a balanced mental state.

  Re: DEAR MISS CAPOTE

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  I’M A LOSER! I DON’T EVEN DESERVE TO BE A GAMMA PHI!

  Re: DEAR MISS CAPOTE

  * * *

  Gen Goldman

  to Ava

  Is this him?

  Instagram.com/chinatownjake98

  Re: DEAR MISS CAPOTE

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  How did you do that????? And why are you using your powers to find frat boys on Instagram?

  Re: DEAR MISS CAPOTE

  * * *

  Gen Goldman

  to Ava

  Unfortunately, my superpowers start and end at finding frat boys on Instagram. That’s why I keep getting rejected from Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters.

  Follow him.

  Re: DEAR MISS CAPOTE

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  Absolutely not. But I bow down to your craft.

  3:42 PM PST

    Oh my god. The funniest thing just happened.

    Spit take?

    Banana peel?

    Pie in the face?

    Oh, no! Forget I said pie!

    Hahaha

    Your sense of humor is atrocious.

    Was it a farcical case of mistaken identity?

    Kind of!

    I knew it.

  A FARCICAL CASE OF MISTAKEN IDENTITY

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  SO! In an attempt to ease us into the craft of screenwriting, we’ve been writing prose this whole time in Screenwriting 101. Please don’t bother to point out the irony. It’s already eating me alive.

  Anywho, this last assignment was a first-person short story with the option of being autobiographical. I chose to write fiction because nothing exciting has ever happened to me. Unless you count starting Prozac at age four. But toddlers aren’t reliable narrators and I’m not a good enough writer to tackle that yet.

  I end up writing this quirky account of a high
school boy having his first kiss with a girl and realizing that he is actually gay. Except I never explicitly say that it’s from the point of view of a boy AND I never give him a name because it’s written in the first person. What ends up happening?

  Everyone in my class thinks I chose to write an autobiographical story. And not just any autobiographical story. My autobiographical COMING OUT story. Hahahaha.

  The entire class thought I was gay for a few days until we went over my story and I started getting notes.

  So funny and embarrassing! I had to assure everyone I’m not gay, just an unclear writer.

  Hope you’re drinking something while reading this, so you get to spit take!

  A

  Re: A FARCICAL CASE OF MISTAKEN IDENTITY

  * * *

  Gen Goldman

  to Ava

  I don’t understand. What is so funny about people thinking you are gay?

  Re: A FARCICAL CASE OF MISTAKEN IDENTITY

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  I don’t know! It just seemed ridiculous. No one has ever thought I was gay. I’m like a virginal Charlotte York with a bigger nose.

  2:15 PM PST

    Jake is two people in front of me at the Coffee Bean!

    What do I do?

    He’s ordering! I can’t tell if he saw me!

    GEN!!!!!!

  5:27 PM PST

    If you’re dead, I hope you left me your leather jacket.

    I can’t pull it off, but I’ll hang it in my house.

    As art.

    Hello????

  8:42 PM PST

    Sry. Busy.

    Doing what?

    Kissing girls

    …

    Oh my god. Do you actually think I’m homophobic?

    My aunt is gay!

    Not openly, but we all know.

    K.

    Gen! Come on! Are you seriously mad?

    Talk l8r.

  PRIDE

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  Dearest Genevieve,

  I offer my sincerest apologies to the gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender community. I had no intention of offending any of our queer friends, family, or loved ones. There is absolutely nothing wrong with appearing gay or actually being gay. In fact, I felt a bit honored that my peers thought I was cool enough to get a hot girl to kiss me behind the bleachers.

  I have no excuse for my blunder, but please keep in mind that USC is not the enlightened campus Emerson is, and I am a bit behind in my evolution of tolerance and sensitivity.

  In conclusion, I have nothing but the upmost respect for Kristen Stewart, Neil Patrick Harris, and Laverne Cox, among many other notable LGBT icons. I will spend the rest of my living days making it up to them.

  (That said, I take a bit of offense that you would jump to a homophobic conclusion about me. I was equally taken aback that time someone thought I was Russian. Also, I know your MO is avoidance, but it’s sort of impossible when you live 3,000 miles away and I can’t just show up at your house and force you to talk to me.)

  All the love in the world,

  Ava Helmer

  (No homo)

  Re: PRIDE

  * * *

  Gen Goldman

  to Ava

  Hey. I’m sorry I went MIA like that. I just … didn’t love your reaction, but I’m sure I read too much into it or something.

  I think I’m just juggling a lot of things. The article is getting a bunch of attention (bad and good), and I haven’t been keeping up with homework because of all the Beacon stuff.

  Plus. I’ve been hooking up with someone and it’s taking up a lot of my brain space.

  So I probably overreacted. NBD. Thanks for being the bigger person and yada yada.

  G

  Re: PRIDE

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  WHO ARE HOOKING UP WITH???? ARE YOU HAVING SEX??? WHAT IS GOING ON???

  11:04 AM PST

    WHO ARE YOU HOOKING UP WITH???

    Think about it.

    IT’S ALL I’M THINKING ABOUT.

    OK.

    I figured it out.

    Kent, your editor.

    HAHAHAHAHA

    Are you laughing because I’m so right or because I’m so wrong?

    Wrong.

    And adorable.

    OK. That’s fine. You shouldn’t be hooking up with your editor anyway …

    Hmmmm. What other guys have you mentioned?

    You’re getting colder.

    ???

    It’s not a guy.

    Hello?

    .…

    Molly!

    Yes.

    Second guess. Pretty good.

  SHOULD WE TALK ABOUT THIS?

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  I wrote out a bunch of different versions of this email, but I think the subject line says it all.

  Ava

  Re: SHOULD WE TALK ABOUT THIS?

  * * *

  Gen Goldman

  to Ava

  Nope. I’m good.

  Re: SHOULD WE TALK ABOUT THIS?

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  OK, well, I’m not good. You realized that you are gay and didn’t bother to tell me? Your best friend in the entire world? Or is Molly your best friend now? Are you even in Boston? You’ve stopped geo-tagging all your posts. Have you changed your name and moved to Zimbabwe? Because I feel completely abandoned in this moment.

  TO BE CLEAR: I have NO problem with you being gay. I have a problem with you not telling me. And yes, that is a selfish problem, but I am a selfish person.

  Re: SHOULD WE TALK ABOUT THIS?

  * * *

  Gen Goldman

  to Ava

  This is why I didn’t want to tell you. I’m not gay. I’m hooking up with a girl. Not everything is black and white.

  Re: SHOULD WE TALK ABOUT THIS?

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  Wow. OK. That was super condescending. Especially since you know it’s hard for me to not see things in black and white BECAUSE OF MY MENTAL ILLNESS.

  Re: SHOULD WE TALK ABOUT THIS?

  * * *

  Gen Goldman

  to Ava

  This has nothing to do with your OCD. I’m just not doing this. I’m not having a coming out party. Nothing about me as a person has changed. I have always been this person. Who I hook up with does not define me.

  Re: SHOULD WE TALK ABOUT THIS?

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  Well, you got me there! Congratulations. You have backed me into a PC corner. Enjoy the moral high ground.

  12:32 AM EST

    I HAVE THE MORAL HIGH GROUND.

    How’s it feel?

    Eh. Less fun than drugs

    When do I get to Facetime your girlfriend?

    Not my girlfriend.

    Excuse me.

    When do I get to FaceTime your partner?

    SO?

    Fuck buddy?

    YOU’RE HAVING SEX?!! AHHHHHHH

    You’re more excited than me. And the girl I’m having sex with.

    Can I ask you something without it being a big deal?

    What does gay sex mean?

    I understand gay sex!

    I don’t understand lesbian sex.

    Hahahaha


    Google it.

    I don’t need to Google anymore! I have a queer best friend!

    Stop labeling me.

    Sorry!

  PLEDGING MY LIFE AWAY

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  Welcome to your daily Gamma Phi quiz about all things Gamma Phi! Remember, sisters are forever, and anything lower than 85% is a failing grade!

  Question One: Why am I taking this quiz?

  Answer: Because you don’t have enough work already! We thought it would be fun to turn a social club into an extreme time commitment full of mandatory events. Including pop quizzes!

  Question Two: What kind of questions can I expect?

  Answer: Solely useless information that you will neither retain nor call for ever again. Topics include: history of the founding sisters, outdated dinner prayers, and boring facts about senior members who will never talk to you again.

  Question Three: Aren’t sororities supposed to be fun?

  Answer: You have to LOOK LIKE you’re having fun. There is a difference.

  Question Four: Can I get my money back?

  Answer: No.

  Kisses and Hugs and Secret Handshakes,

  A

  Re: PLEDGING MY LIFE AWAY

  * * *

  Gen Goldman

  to Ava

  What’s the secret handshake? I won’t tell anyone.

  Re: PLEDGING MY LIFE AWAY

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  It’s very complicated. You’ve got to shake the other girl’s hand, but instead of shaking it, you give it a light squeeze. Twice.